Syracuse thinking about signing Matt Millen as football coach

SYRACUSE, NY — Syracuse University is considering hiring former Detroit Lions GM Matt Millen as their head football coach, in an attempt to revitalize their sagging program.

“We feel like Matt would bring the perfect base of knowledge to our squad,” said Syracuse athletic director Dr. Daryl Gross. “Greg Robinson was a fine man, but he didn’t have what we were looking for. We believe that Matt does.”

Millen, who was 31-84 as GM of the Lions, is hardly viewed as one of the great football minds in the country. Still, Gross sees potential.

“Fine, so maybe the NFL was a little out of his league,” Gross said. “But we think by taking down the expectations a bit, he’ll be more successful. Sooooo many people care about the NFL. Really, nobody cares about Syracuse football, except the players’ families and some weird upstaters who live in random places like Geneva. I think he’ll find it much more his speed.”

Millen has a lot of plans for the squad.

“Well, the first thing I am going to do is build a culture of rebuilding,” Millen said. “I mean, constant, non-stop rebuilding. We are always going to be looking for ne, young players, and if any of our players start to develop, we’ll get rid of them. There will be no place for development here.”

The other thing Millen is trying to do is inspired by the recent movie The Express.

“I love that movie, and I wish I could bring Ernie Davis back to the ‘Cuse,” Millen said. “Unfortunately Ernie died in 1963. So here’s what we’re gonna do: we’re gonna get the dude who played him in the movie! Did you see that guy’s moves? Amazing.”

Millen said he hopes to sign the actor by mid-December.

“Watch out, Big East,” Millen said. “There is a new sheriff in town.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!