SEC decides Cuban’s punishment: he must purchase the Chicago Cubs

NEW YORK, NY — In what will stand forever as a unique example of professional sports leagues and the federal government cooperating, a committee convened by the SEC, MLB and NBA has decided the punishment for Mark Cuban, who is accused of insider trading.

“This was a serious crime that required a serious, serious penalty,” said NBA commissioner David Stern. “The penalty that we have come up with, sadly, is going to be one that plagues Mr. Cuban for years and years. We have decided that he will have to purchase and own the Chicago Cubs baseball team, and that he will have to maintain ownership indefinitely.”

With the shock of the announcement rattling through the room, Bud Selig took the microphone.

“We thought long and hard about what the appropriate punishment would be for Mark,” Selig said. “We wanted something that would be expensive and would stand as a constant, heartbreaking reminder that nobody is bigger than the system. So we surmised that owning the Chicago Cubs could be a long-term reminder that the world is a cruel place, and bad things will happen if you don’t respect it.”

Selig said he thought the punishment was tough but fair.

“Owning the Cubs will be an agonizing experience for Mark,” he said. “He will feel the highest of highs before he comes crashing back down to earth. He will get ever so close to the mountaintop, and then will have his dreams and hopes dashed. He will learn that money can’t buy you everything you want. In short, I can think of no more heart-wrenching, soul-crushing punishment than for Mark to own the Cubs for the rest of his life.”

Cuban’s representatives were obviously disappointed.

“We’re saddened to know of the decision made by these sports, and we will be appealing,” said a spokesman for the Mavericks owner. “Mark made a mistake. But to punish him in this capacity is cruel and unusual. He is, at his core, a sweet and good person. Why do you want to crush his spirit like this?”