Scientists use carbon dating to determine Oden’s age

PORTLAND, OR — Scientists at the University of Oregon made a startling discovery this week when they used state-of-the-art techniques to estimate the age of Blazers center Greg Oden.

“We have been able to determine that Oden is about 21 or 22,” said Dr. Denny Gupta of the University’s Medical Center. “21 or 22 thousand, that is.”

The scientists used a special technique to determine that Oden’s half-life is about 10,500 years, approximately that of a nuclear isotope, or a piece of styrofoam.

“We went in to do the microfracture surgery on Greg’s last year,” Gupta said, “and the Blazers asked us if we could determine his real age. So our initial plan was just to count the rings once we got in there, but my God, have you ever tried to count 22,000 rings? So we decided to do the Carbon Dating.”

The technique, which is extremely controversial, has thrown into question whether Oden was honest with the Blazers at all when he was drafted.

“Greg always told the team he was born in 1985,” Gupta said. “Apparently he meant 19850 B.C. So, maybe it was a computer error, but I doubt it.”

A local psychologist, Dr. Elizabeth Stanton, said Oden may have buried some of his memories.

“Look, even in this day and age, in these modern times, and with him playing in the NBA, people still look at Greg with a raised eyebrow and are like, ‘Dude, what’s the story with that?’” Stanton said. “So you gotta feel like 18000 years before the wheel, people must have really been staring.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!