Ryan Howard is nailing chicks as if he won the MVP

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Albert Pujols may have the National League MVP trophy, but Ryan Howard is absolutely nailing chicks like he’s the NLMVP.

“He’s definitely exhibiting some MVP-level sexuality right now,” said Cole Hamels, no stranger to exuding sexuality in his own right. “I know he came in second in the voting, but if he came in second, then I don’t even want to think about the amount of tail that’s raining down on Albert Pujols right now.”

Howard hit 48 homers and drove in 146 runs this year and was a major contributor to the Philadelphia Phillies winning the National League East before going on to win the World Series. Many felt that Howard should be the MVP.

“I’ve had a pretty good run of it since the season ended,” said Howard, who has an unassuming manner and a disarming smile despite his very large physical stature. “I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever really had a lot of trouble with the ladies. But it seems like a lot of the public out there would give ol’ RyHo a ‘first-place vote,’ based of course on my informal polling.”

Even the statheads out there state that Howard’s run of poonanner is unprecedented and defies the expectations of a second-place MVP finish.

“This is an alarming amount of poontang for a second place MVP finisher to be getting,” said Rob Neyer of ESPN. “Really a frightening amount. Stastically speaking, Howard is banging chicks at a rate equivalent to 1.7 times the rate of a first-place finisher. It’s really something to behold.”

Neyer indicated that this year may just be an anomaly.

“I don’t know if it’s the war or the economy or whatever, but this year the whole MVP-to-senoritas ratio is all off. I mean, you’ve got Howard nailing women around the United States like he’s campaigning for Don Juan de Marco. On the other hand you’ve got a guy like Dustin Pedroia, who won the AL MVP, who very well may be a virgin. And don’t even get me started on Kevin Youkilis; he’d have trouble getting laid in a whorehouse.”

According to one source who has first hand knowledge of Howard’s exploits, the MVP runner-up is performing like a real champ.

“I was reading in the paper that this year he only hit .251 and struck out a whopping 199 times,” said Leticia Dominguez, 19, of Atlantic City, N.J. “Well, I spent some time with Ryan, and let’s just say, he’s not striking out very often, and he’s definitely getting on base more than a quarter of the times. He’s doing some pretty wild things with his bat these days, if you take my meaning.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!