Roger Goodell Pardons Culpepper

DETROIT, MI—Every Thanksgiving since 1954, the NFL has observed a timeless and heartfelt tradition when the Commissioner pardons a Detroit Lion from playing for the horrendous and dubious franchise.

This year, Roger Goodell pardoned his third ever Detroit Lion when he granted recently-signed QB Dante Culpepper a “full and unconditional pardon” for any crimes he may have committed to pro football whilst playing for the Detroit Lions.

Culpepper, who has performed poorly since being signed by Lions on November 3rd, with 3 TDs and 6 INTS, and=2 0a passer rating of just 53.6. Goodell said he was drawn to Culpepper as the former pro-bowler was in a unique positon. 

“Dante was clearly the most helpless, and obviously was unprepared for the slaughter. He was also a relative newcomer, and I figured it would be good to get him out before his legacy was forever tarnished,” Goodell commented. “I was thinking about Roy Williams, but I’m going to let him dangle awhile and see if there’s anything left in him after another season or two here.” 

Culpepper joins the likes of Joey Harrington, Barry Sanders, and Chuck Long, among others in the ranks of Detroit Lions removed via Commissarial Pardon. Culpepper will get to live out the rest of his professional career with the Arizona Cardinals.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!