Newly carbon-neutral Dolphins to use Joey Porter’s hot air to power stadium

MIAMI, FL — The Miami Dolphins became the first NFL team in history to be completely carbon neutral when they realized that by capturing the unnecessary hot air that spews from linebacker Joey Porter, they can power their stadium and all team operations.

The idea came about in a very surreptitious fashion.

“It was really a brilliant moment,” said GM Jeff Ireland. “I got the idea when it was a little chilly during practice the other day, and I was wondering how the players were keeping their hands warm. Well, I looked over and saw Joey Porter just talking away to nobody in particular.”

There was nothing unusual about that, according to Ireland. “That’s totally normal. That happens all the time, every day. But then I noticed something. (RBs) Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams were holding their hands up near Porter’s face, palms out, and then they were rubbing them together. They looked like two homeless dudes standing around a trashcan that’s on fire.”

Ireland said that while Williams always sort of looks like he spent the previous evening on a park bench in Coral Gables, the sight of Brown warming himself on Porter’s hot air gave him an idea.

“I thought, if we can just harness that ridiculous amount of wasted hot air that spews from Joey Porter’s mouth on a daily basis, imagine what we could do,” Ireland said. “So we decided to try it.”

The process is fairly simple. A special suction device is carried near Porter at all times. The device pulls in the hot air that comes forth on a nearly 24-hour-a-day basis from Porter’s mouth, and funnels the air into an underground network of turbines, which then create electric power. The Dolphins estimate that they’ll be able to use the power to heat and light their stadium, as well as their practice facility. They also expect to have enough extra power to run half the city of Miami, and should the Dolphins ever make the playoffs, they would have enough excess energy to light every Christmas light in the Southeast.

“We are proud to be the first truly carbon neutral franchise in professional sports,” said Tony Sparano, “and it’s great that Joey could be of such use to us.”

Sparano said that the Dolphins will continue to seek innovative uses of their resources.

“Porter’s on a long-term deal, so we’ve got time for some R&D,” Sparano said. “So sit tight, America. If we’re successful in figuring out a way to make cars run on ‘annoying,’ gas will be like 20 cents a gallon.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!