Man buys wife $179.99 Cole Hamels replica jersey for birthday

FREEPORT, PA—Area woman Micala Smith had been eagerly awaiting her 34th birthday for weeks, wondering what her husband of five years, Eric, would be getting her. Much to her disappointment, however, Eric, a diehard Phillies fan picked out a $179.99 Cole Hamles replica jersey to bestow to her. Close friends and family admit the marriage is in jeopardy.

“Have I ever shown any interest in baseball—or sports for that matter—in my life?” a thoroughly angered Mrs. Smith told SSNN. “For months I had been dropping hints about that cute little mink scarf in the window at Nordstrom’s. And he gets me a stupid baseball jersey.

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“She is being perfectly unreasonable,” an irritated Mr. Smith said to SSNN. “I shell out $179.99 on a jersey of not only the greatest pitcher to ever walk the earth, but a man who will, in all likelihood, end world hunger and bring peace to the Middle East. It will be a fortune when we’re ready to retire! She just doesn’t get it. I clearly married the wrong woman.”

The jersey is a powder-blue replica jersey of the uniforms the Phillies wore in the 1970s and 1980s, when another great lefty, Steve Carlton, toed the rubber.

“The jersey is powder-blue,” Mr. Smith said. “It’s so girlie! I don’t know what the problem is.”

Micala, has, as of press time, temporarily vacated the couple’s condo and moved in with best friend Jill Peleti.

“It’s pretty bad,” Peleti admitted to SSNN. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen them this angry at each other. Micala doesn’t know how anyone could possibly think their wife would care about baseball, while Eric can’t respect anyone who doesn’t praise Cole Hamels as Prince of Peace and King of Kings, and I happen to agree with him, to be honest. This is really one of those situations where nobody wins.”

Micala initially suspected that there might be a sinister reason for Eric’s having given her the jersey; namely, that he’d hope she’d wear it during sex. However, that’s not the case.

“I thought it might be something like that,” Micala said. “You know, almost where he’d like me to wear it when I was in a position where he could, um, see me, you know, so it was like he was with Hamels. But it’s nothing like that. Although he does want me to wear it in bed, whenever I have it on, he just curls up into the fetal position and begs me to hold him.”

A statement released by Hamels said that he was sorry for the hurt he caused in the marriage and promised to make it up to Mrs. Smith by “Fulfilling your each and every hedonistic desire and wild fantasy,” also adding that for the right fee, he would be willing to offer the same to Mr. Smith.