Man basically staring at Cole Hamels’ Wikipedia page all day

PHILADELPHIA, PA—Area man Steven Kensworth, has, according to friends and coworkers basically been staring at Cole Hamels’ Wikipedia article for the better part of the last two weeks, and hasn’t done an ounce of work since that time. The recent obsessive web-browsing is just the latest in a series of Hamels-related diversion from the real world for Kensworth, who has been on Cloud nine for the past month-and-a-half thanks in large part to the dominating performance of the left-hander in the playoffs.

“You walk into his cubicle and he’s just sort of mindlessly glazing over the page,” commented coworker Victoria Castle. “He hasn’t so much as lifted a pencil in two weeks. He just scrolls down, and scrolls back up. Scrolls down, scrolls back up.”

“I’ve looked at Hamels’s page too, you know,” snapped an irritated Jack Lingston, Kensworth’s boss. “The info is pretty solid, but I don’t think they’ll be making updates to ‘High School’ or ‘2006 Season’ anytime soon. Besides, there isn’t even a clear picture of Hamels on the whole page. You can’t see his face at all. That’s inexcusable, and Steve should have at the very least attempted to rectify that, but nothing.

“He just stares at it!” said a clearly exasperated Lingston.

Internet history on both of Kensworth’s computers shows that for the last 18 days, Kensworth has visited only two sites, the Wikipedia entry on Cole Hamels, which has been up uninterrupted on both his home and work computers, and a Google search of “Cole Hamels + naked”, which Kensworth abandoned after a scant five minutes.

Kensworth’s home life has suffered as well. Kensworth’s girlfriend of 16 months, Janet Piterkon, told SSNN that Kensworth hasn’t so much as looked her in the eye in two weeks, and has even refused offers of sex without post-coital cuddling.

“I mean it was bad enough when he watched the Philiums or whatever all night and talked about Cole Hamels as if he were Jesus. But staring at his webpage mindlessly for 10 hours at a time, well…if he doesn’t shape up soon I’m moving back in with Mom,” Piterkon said.

Despite all the criticism he has received for his refusal to do anything other than glance upon the World Series MVP’s page for days at a time, Kensworth—who we managed to speak to briefly as he injected caffeine into his veins—insists his behavior is perfectly normal, and in fact, vital to being a Philly sports fan.

“If he were in a car accident or something, that info would be up on the Wiki in, like, ten minutes tops. If he signs a new deal it’s there. SportsCenter ShmortzCenter. I get my news from the Wiki. And about not doing work at my job, so what? Instead of watching YouTube videos or playing Solitaire, I just read the same info about Cole a thousand times over. I bet lots of guys do it.

Hamels could not be reached for comment as he was meeting with President-elect Obama to discuss how quickly Hamels could withdraw US troops from Iraq.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!