Jaws totally drank from Kornheiser’s soda last night; “Act of War,” says Kornheiser

PHOENIX, AZ — In what was either a complete accident or an overt act of war, Ron Jaworski reached down and took a sip of soda last night, setting off a massive feud between himself and Tony Kornheiser that will likely rip apart their delicately balanced broadcast team.

“This is it,” Kornheiser said. “This is the last fucking straw — no pun intended. When Jaws drank from my soda last night during the fourth quarter, it wasn’t any accident. It was him backwashing into my glass, on purpose, and openly declaring war on me. So you want to go to war, big boy? Fine, let’s roll.”

The incident occurred late in the thrilling, 29-24 battle between the Arizona Cardinals and the San Francisco 49ers. During the fourth quarter, Jaworski, who tries to keep his eyes on the field at all times, reached down and grabbed a soda, and lifted the straw to his lips to take a nice long sip. It turns out that the soda was actually the Diet Mr. Pibb that Kornheiser favors. Jaworski said he later realized what he’d done and immediately apologized to Kornheiser, though Kornheiser says that the damage was done.

“This guy is an NFL caliber quarterback, who is known for making split decisions on the field, and you are telling me that he can’t tell the difference between his soda and my soda?” Kornheiser shouted. “It’s absolutely ridiculous. I mean, it’s atrocious, and its inexcusable. So we are officially at war, and next week, I am totally going to get him back.”

Kornheiser did not reveal what he has planned, though he did encourage reporters covering the war to familiarize themselves with the terms “upper tank” and “silly string.”

The un-civil war disrupts a delicate balance in the three man booth, where Mike Tirico has barely been able to hold things together as the obvious hatred between Jaworski and Kornheiser plays itself out on a weekly basis. Kornheiser dismisses Jaworski as an “idiot, who is uneducated and knows nothing about anything outside of football,” while Jaworski says that Kornheiser is “an educated idiots who knows about everything except for football.” This season the two have already erupted into three slap fights, and one Facebook wall flaming contest that ended abruptly when Kornheiser unfriended Jaworski. Additionally, Kornheiser left a used teabag on Jaworski’s seat during week six, with a small post-it attached that said, “Pretend this is a douche bag instead of a tea bag. = You.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!