Feds plan Tiger Woods bailout following cancellation of GM deal

WASHINGTON, DC — Just when it seemed as though the economy had run out of surprises, the nation’s capital was rocked Monday with news that Tiger Woods and GM have cancelled their advertising and partnership relationships.

“I am recommending immediately that a special joint session of Congress is convened,” said rep. Barney Frank (D-MA), who has been involved with the discussions of the auto bailout. “I will be proposing a $1 billion bailout plan to ensure that Mr. Woods is provided for.”

Frank’s proposal marks a turning point in the ongoing bailout saga. Previously all bailouts have been focused on financial institutions.

“You think Tiger Woods is not an institution?” snapped Sen. Jim Webb (D-VA). “The guy is more important to the welfare of America than you or me or prolly anyone you know!”

Many conservatives, already leery of the precedent set by previous bailout deals, are nervous about extending bailout plans to individuals, an argument that has one Senate democrat livid.

“Are you kidding me?!” shouted John Kerry (D-MA). “The guy has an infant and a baby on the way! Where the hell is your compassion, bro?!”

Congress will vote on the Woods bailout Wednesday.

In related news, Phil Mickelson has asked Congress for a $19,000 bailout for himself, $3200 of which will go toward an elliptical and $227 that is earmarked for this awesome new V-neck that they have a Calvin Klein.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!