Favre and Belichick to create douchebag magnet Sunday; expected to lure thousands to Foxboro

FOXBORO, MA—Scientists are scrambling this week, as supercomputers from the University of Chicago’s Yerkes Observatory have forecasted that this coming Sunday, in Foxboro, the presence of Patriots head coach Bill Belichick and Jets quarterback Brett Favre will create the long sought-after ‘‘Hyper-Douchebag Magnetic Pulse.’’

‘‘Strictly speaking, an ordinary ‘Douchebag Magnetic Pulse’ is an observable reaction by in which a group of two or more douchebags create a field of douchebaggery around them, which, much like a magnetic pull, or a migration instinct, pulls other douchebags near to the source of the douchebaggery, thus creating a larger field of douchebaggery and attracting more douchebags until the douchbaggery reaches terminal mass and begins to then subside, generally because one or more douchebags ‘have a thing,’ that must be attended to,’’ explained Professor Steven Specowitz, head researcher for the project. ‘‘A common Douchebag Magnetic Pulse one can observe in everyday life would be a Phish concert, or the Drama Club at your local high school. But a Hyper-Douchebag Magnetic Pulse has existed only in theory, until now.’’

The University’s dedication to observing douchebags and the Douchebag Magnetic Pulse began in the 1960’s, initially as an observation of the hippie counter-culture. Within just a few years, however, the project had expanded to include any and all douchebags and their conglomerations. The project has received numerous accolades for its work in the field of douchebagology, classifying douchebags in layman terms, identifying extinct species of douchebags, predicting which upstanding citizens were due to become douchebags, and, most notably, their forecasts of upcoming events that most certainly are a result of the DMP. Despite their past accomplishments, nothing they have done in the past can possibly amount to the observation they will undertake on Sunday, long-time team members said.

‘‘This is a truly historical event,’’ commented team leader Fred Geiszur. ‘‘We are potentially looking at the largest gathering of douchebags in one area in all of human history—the Nuremberg Rallies in the 30s, the House of un-American Activity Hearings in the 50s, Woodstock, Live 8, all of them are paling in comparison to what is expected to be put up Sunday.

‘‘Of course, most Patriot games rate pretty high on Douchebag Radar,’’ offered Geiszur. ‘‘Any gathering of Patriot fans of any magnitude creates a spike on the graph, and the addition of Bill Belichick and Tom Brady in the mix makes for substantially high rankings each week, usually on par with most Yankee games. But ever since Brett Favre was re-categorized from ‘Idol and Sports God’ to ‘Grade-A-1 Douchebag’ status a few weeks ago—a feat that, coincidentally, only one other member of the football world, Bill Belichick, has received—we’ve been waiting and watching, and the numbers we are projecting are truly astronomical.’’

‘‘President Bush is expected to show, just because he has so much free time now…Seth Green was in the area, filming another documentary about weed or something, he’s expected to show…Tom Brady getting back to work with the team, that is always a good boost to output…it’s truly astounding the level of douchebaggery we will be expected to tackle Sunday,’’ mused Geiszur.

When asked if the expected crowd of Douchebags could possibly become self-sustaining and thus perpetuate indefinitely, a scenario that would pose a serious threat to all life on planet Earth, Geiszur was cautiously optimistic, saying that the standing scientific laws on Douchebags have yet to be broken, but such an occurance was not out of the realm of possibility.

‘‘This is the one scenario that has yet to get on the books, so, I’m afraid to say that, at least theoretically, anything is possible. In reality, though, Belichick will most likely retreat to his bunker in Northern Canada a few hours after the game is over as he usually does. As long as that happens, or the Patriots get blown out, in which case most of their fans will leave mid-way through the third quarter, we should be ok.’’

Included among the expected attendees Madonna, A-Rod, Pacman Jones, Penn from Penn and Teller, Sarah Palin, Dennis Kucinich, Tony Blair, Tim Hardaway, George Michaels, Simon Cowell, That Guy You Know Who Still Recites Dave Chappelle Catchphrases, Matt Leinart, Karl Rove, Dane Cook, the staff of the Serious Sports News Network, Sean Hannity, The Members of Your Favorite Band, Nancy Pelosi, Adam Vinatieri, Curt Schilling, Ross Perot, Newt Gingrich, George Clooney, Matt Damon, Fred Phelps, Ricky Williams, Diddy, Carlos Mencia, That Guy You Know Who Saw ‘The Dark Knight’ A Dozen Times, Your Girlfriend’s Cock-Blocking (presumably fat) Best Friend, Roger Goodell, Dennis Miller, and, in all likelihood, you.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!