Entire Texas Tech football team kidnapped, being held for ransom

LUBBOCK, TX — A hastily written ransom note received this morning by Texas Tech officials confirmed what had been suspected by many in this university community — that the entire Red Raiders football team has been kidnapped and is being held for ransom in an undisclosed location.

“We have your team,” the note read. “They are safe but not 4 long. Please put $2 million in an unmarked bag. Do not call the police. Your (sic) going to receive a call 2morrow.”

For most in Lubbock, the note was only a heartbreaking confirmation of what they suspected, that their number two ranked football team was kidnapped upon their arrival in Norman on Friday, and that a high school team played in their stead on Saturday night.

“We believe that it was indeed a local high school team that perpetrated this crime,” said Reggie Zorn, chief of security for the Red Raiders athletic department. “It must’ve been a good high school team, too, given that they put up 14 points and only gave up 65. But it was almost comical how obvious it was that this was not the Red Raiders football team.”

According to reports obtained exclusively by SSNN, the Red Raiders team is in perfectly fine physical condition. Coach Mike Leach is trying to keep spirits high among the players, even though they are in captivity.

“I don’t want to tell you how I know this,” the source said, “but I will tell you that [QB] Graham Harrell has been doing hilarious imitations of other Big 12 personalities to keep the players from panicking. Apparently he does a phenomenal Mark Mangino where he just starts to eat everything, like watermelons and chairs and golf clubs.”

According to Zorn, he’s confident that the team will be returned safely, but Red Raiders officials are worried about Eric “The Dwarf” Morris. “Morris is a fragile, gentle soul,” Zorn told SSNN. “I’m not sure how long he can survive. One time the team bus forgot him at a McDonald’s; when we returned 15 minutes later, he was sitting naked in the ball pit, crying. I honestly don’t think he’s cracked up for this sort of thing.”

Lubbock police, working in conjunction with the FBI, have narrowed the list of suspects to about four high schools.

“We’re very confident that it’s one of those four high schools,” said a police spokesman. “This is based on our analysis of their quality of play on Saturday night, as well as the juvenile grammar and poor penmanship in the ransom note. However, based on those factors, we also have been unable to rule out the Iowa State Cyclones as a potential suspect, so they will be investigated too.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!