Dolphins petition Supreme Court to end NFL season early so they finish with a winning record

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Unsatisfied with Roger Goodell’s latest decision concerning their future, the Miami Dolphins have filed an emergency petition with the United States Supreme Court, demanding that the current NFL season be ended immediately, so the Dolphins can finish with a winning record for the first time since 2003.

“This Court must move swiftly if it is to salvage the Miami Dolphins’ 2008 season,” the petition read. “If the Court fails to act now and end the 2008 NFL season, then the Miami Dolphins will almost assuredly finish with a losing record, crushing the hopes and dreams of the good people of the great state of Florida.”

The Dolphins currently are enjoying a 5-4 record, and are only one game out of first place in the AFC East.

“We fully submit to the court that the current 5-4 record in our possession was the result of divine luck and back-breaking effort that we will be unable to maintain in the latter half of this season,” the petition read. “We further submit that Chad Pennington, while certainly working out well in the short-term, will almost certainly falter and leave us, and the good people of Miami, brokenhearted.”

The Dolphins have also filed a joint petition with the Dallas Cowboys, asking to cancel the NFL playoffs “to spare some of our league’s chronic under-achievers from humiliation,” though inside sources say that, for the moment, this petition is taking a backseat to the more pressing issue of canceling the regular season.

“We would like to remind the Court that the voters of Florida caused no problems in last week’s presidential election,” the petition went on to add.

While the Court normally takes months to decide whether or not to even listen to a case, pressure from the White House has forced the Court to examine Miami Dolphins v. Goodell quickly. According to unconfirmed reports, a bitter lame-duck George Bush would like the NFL season to be cancelled so “America can share some of my pain.”

The Court has had a storied relationship with professional sports, from 1934’s Baintman v. Righter, in which the Court ruled that Hockey was not a legitimate sport, to 1989’s Strawberry v. New York Mets in which the Court ruled that the “right to party” was not guaranteed by the Constitution.

“It will be interesting to see where this one goes. The Roberts Court has tended to be a very ‘hands-off’ court with regards to regulations, but with the current financial climate, it’s hard to see how deregulation is applicable in this day and age, but I think here we will see the Justices personal biases come into play,” offered MSNBC political analyst Tia Burnstow. “Breyer, Kennedy, Souter and Stevens will want to end the season quickly, given the fact that the teams they support suck, but Alito, Roberts, Scalia, and Kennedy will likely wish it to continue, as their teams do not. Only Clarence Thomas, who has gone on record as saying he doesn’t really like football, seems unclear. It looks like his will be the crucial swing vote in this case.”

Pennington hopes that the court will rule in favor of his team, by way of a “make-up call” following the decision earlier this week to allow Navy sonar testing over the protection of marine mammals.

“I’m sure the main focus was whales, but I just want Chief Justice Roberts to know that the Dolphins are pissed too,” Pennington said. “National security, schmashinal security. What about the sexy mega fauna that rely on sonar for communication and reproduction purposes? This season better be cancelled, stat.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!