Cy Young winner Lincecum anticipating severe dehydration and flulike symptoms tomorrow

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Emergency medical staff and hospital personnel throughout the Bay Area are on high alert after news broke Tuesday that Tim Lincecum would be receiving the 2008 National League Cy Young Award.

“Holy crap, you think I got bombed when I was out in NYC for All-Star Weekend?” asked Lincecum. “Wait till you see me tonight. I will be dancing on tables. I will be puking in garbage cans. I will be laying the mack down on cougars and breaking glass bottles on the sidewalk. It will be epic.”

According to a spokesman for the San Francisco 911 dispatch, San Francisco is ready to respond.

“San Francisco’s medical community is standing ready to help Lincecum with whatever he needs,” the spokesman said, “whether it be intravenous fluids, a few Advil, or just a big-assed plate of hash browns and eggs. Our primary concern is making sure that Tim Lincecum’s hangover is properly managed and then appropriately covered up.”

Lincecum, who is scheduled to do at least two dozen media appearances Wednesday, is already preparing excuses for when he’s too hungover to make his appointments.

“I think I’m going to tell them that I ate some bad sushi,” Lincecum said. “Either that, or that I have been working out so hard that my body just broke down. They’ll believe me, right?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!