Cuban confused NBA with real-life, lawyers assert

DALLAS, TX—Controversial Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was indicted yesterday by the Securities and Exchange Commission yesterday after it was revealed Cuban sold 600,000 shares in Mamma.com after learning privately that the company was about to have a stock offering, back in June of 2004, for a profit of $750,000. Cuban’s lawyers insist, however, that a fatigued and overworked Cuban simply confused the NBA’s traditions of cheating and subterfuge with real-life stock trading.

“As you know, Mr. Cuban is a very busy and hands-on kind of man,” James Tennyvien, head of Cuban’s legal defense team told SSNN. “He momentarily confused the rigged and counterfeit tactics of the National Basketball Association with stock trading. This is an honest mistake which anyone in Mr. Cuban’s position could have made.

“My client simply misinterpreted a letter he received from the commissioner saying, and I quote, ‘The refs are on board, don’t worry.’ Clearly, anyone could have taken ‘refs’ to mean ‘federal government.’ My client is a victim of an unfortunate misunderstanding and an overzealous SEC.”

A visibly annoyed and agitated Cuban briefly addressed reporters outside of his mansion.

“I got those trades in before the deadline; I don’t know what they’re talking about,” fumed Cuban. “All I did was dump a few players and ended up with some salary cap room. And anyways, I gave [David] Stern a call the night before and he gave me the green-light on the deal. The ratings go up, we walk away with a championship, and nobody gets hurt, alright.”

“I was only doing what was best for the team,” Cuban added.

Not all experts believe that the public would be willing to accept the ‘Dancing with the Stars’ finalist’s defense, however.

“Just because the NBA allows and encourages cheating and corrupt behavior does not mean that the standards of the rest of the world go out the window,” said legal expert Mitch Bakers. “Obviously, any jury would agree that the stock market and the NBA are both filled with money-obsessed leeches who will do anything to anyone to get ahead, but really, most juries would agree that Mamma.com and the Dallas Mavericks, while certainly have superficial similarities like the letter M, really should not be confused.”

Nonetheless, Cuban’s lawyers are moving full steam ahead, but have admitted they are not unwilling to talk to the feds to ensure a hasty end to the controversy.

“We will bargain with the government if necessary,” said Tennyvien. “The number two draft pick David Stern has secured for us and the throwing of some crucial games are being kept on the table for consideration.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!