Chase Utley erupts in profanity during charity bingo night at retirement home

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Phillies second baseman and all-around nice guy Chase Utley raised a lot of eyebrows last week when he declared that the Phillies were now “World Fucking Champions” at last week’s post-World Series rally.

“It was totally out of character for me, and I’m sorry,” Utley said afterward, stating that he had simply become caught up in an amazing moment and that led to his profanity. Many Philadelphians accepted his apology as sincere and agreed to move on from the unfortunate incident.

That is, until the events of this past Sunday evening.

SSNN has learned that Utley erupted into a fit of profanity while attending a charity bingo event at his grandmother’s retirement home, appalling the residents and confirming what has long been suspected: Utley simply cannot stop cussing when faced with victory.

“I called out G-48,” said Norma Jean Macgregor, 87, who is the emcee of bingo night every Wednesday at Garden Villas Retirement Living Community in North Philadelphia. “And all of a sudden, Chase stands up and starts yelling. He was here with his grandmother Beatrice Utley — she’s a sweet lady, that Beatrice. At least I thought so until I saw Chase stand up and yell, ‘Bing-fucking-o!!!!”

According to reports, everyone looked at Utley in stunned silence, but he continued.

“She called G-fucking-48, grandma!” Utley shouted. “We’re the bingo fucking champions! Hell yeah!”

Utley attempted to high-five several stunned residents before running from the room, stating that he was going to “go celebrate.”

Beatrice Utley was left to defend herself, but she was so thoroughly embarrassed by her son’s behavior that she couldn’t. She left her fate to the bingo board, which promptly stripped her of her title and awarded it to another competitor. It was a decision that rocked the assisted living community.

“Personally, I feel they went a little harsh on her,” said Penelope Davison, 91. “I mean, it’s her grandson who cussed, not her. It’s not like she can control what comes out of his mouth. Either way, this is the biggest controversy we’ve had here in a long time. It’s probably the biggest since April, when Harold called Norma Jean a ’shit smelling bitch,’ which was uncalled for and mildly awkward.”

Special thanks to markkennedysem for the headline idea.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!