Bowden puts out a hit on JoePa

TALLAHASSEE, FL — It’s no surprise that in recent years, a rejuvenated Joe Paterno and his Penn State Nittany Lions have retaken the lead for the most wins by a head coach in D-1A history. Bobby Bowden and his Florida State Seminoles have had a spate of poor seasons while Penn State has put up 9 or more wins the past four years, giving Paterno a two-game lead on Bowden.

That led Bowden to do the unthinkable.

“I’ve decided to put out a hit on Joe,” said Bowden. “If you can’t beat ‘em, put a hit on ‘em, right?

“It’s obvious something needs to be done. He’s never going to retire,” continued Bowden in his signature southern twang. “He’s like the Energizer bunny; he just keeps going and going and going. When he got his leg broken did that stop him? No! I’ve seen players have their careers ended on less violent plays and he doesn’t even leave the sidelines. Despite rain, sleet or snow, he’s right there. He’s like the freaking U.S. mail.”

Bowden said that the real kicker was a recent development.

“He’s got me beat in most wins and most bowl games,” Bowden said. “Now he’s even beating me for most players with a criminal record. That’s a Florida State trademark! Hell, our nickname used to be the Florida State Criminoles. I just can’t stand it anymore.”

SSNN recently learned of the plot against Joe Paterno from our sources in Miami, Fla. Bowden approached fellow Miami Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano with an offer to take the hit. “He came to me one day while I was in my office,” Sparano explained. “He came in with a newspaper folded over and stuffed with cash and asked me to talk to ‘Chris, Paulie or Silvio’ about ‘clipping’ Joe Paterno. I gotta admit I was a little offended. My name is Sparano. I’m not the other guy. I told him no. He said, ‘Are you wearin’ a freakin’ wire? Then he asked me if I wanted to go to the ‘Bing.’ He’s a weird dude, that Bowden.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!