Residents of Ohio town refusing to bathe in Michigan water

Enjoy this encore presentation of a classic SSNN piece.

MONTPELIER, OH — There’s been a new stink added to the epic Ohio State-Michigan rivalry. Residents of the town of Montpelier, in northwest Ohio, have sworn off bathing since learning the town’s water source originates in Michigan.

Apparently residents of this small town were completely unaware – until six weeks ago – that the town’s water source, the St. Joseph River, originates in their neighbor-state to the north. Since then, the residents have refused to have anything to do with the “tainted” H₂O.

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“We never put much thought into it before,” said Montpelier mayor Roscoe Williams. “But when we found out the river comes from Michigan, we all decided as a group that we don’t want anything to do with it.”

According to Williams, residents have been buying bottled water and are no longer bathing in order to keep from being contaminated with maize and blue. Roger Jones, the mayor of Hillsdale, Michigan, near the river’s source, says behavior like this is pretty typical of the Wolverine-Buckeye rivalry.

“People have no idea how serious it is. If an Ohio river was flowing through my town, I’d move the whole damn town,” said Jones, who couldn’t help but laugh at Montpelier’s plight. “We all knew they stunk, but damn. I mean, how ignorant do you have to be not to have realized this before? If I’d known it would make them freak out, I would have dyed the river blue and yellow a long time ago.”

Williams said he has no idea how much longer the town plans to go without bathing. “As long as we have to, although the EPA came around the other day and made some vague threats. Meddling bureaucrats, they don’t understand the gravity of this situation.”

Nevertheless, the town’s most prominent citizens are working on an alternative plan. “I’m not sure what we’re going to do, because we hate all of the other states that surround us, too. We’ll probably have to start importing our water from China or something. Go Buckeyes!”