ARCHIVES: Kobe officially tired of talking about how Shaq’s ass tastes

Enjoy this encore presentation of a classic SSNN piece.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Finally breaking his silence about Shaquille O’Neal’s controversial freestyle rap, Kobe Bryant revealed to SSNN that – not surprisingly – he’s unhappy with his former teammate’s request to tell him how his ass tastes.

“Everyone suddenly thinks I’m an expert on ass-tasting,” Bryant said. “Yes, I’ve tasted a couple of asses in my time. There was this girl in high school whose ass I tasted two or three times, there was that girl in Colorado and then one time in practice I had an awkward fall and I got a real good taste of Chris Mihm’s ass.

“But that’s just three ass-tastings, excluding Shaq’s, in my whole life. I’m not exactly sure what qualifies as an experienced ass taster, but I’m not it. I simply don’t have the basis for comparison.”

Bryant also went on record to describe O’Neal’s ass taste as quite predictable. He said it’s very fleshy, a little sweaty and very, very bitter. Bryant added there’s a strong hint of jealousy and regret as well.

The Lakers‘ superstar also made it clear that the only reason he finally talked about the rap was in hopes of ending all discussion of it. He also said there’s no hard feelings between himself and Shaq.

“I know how Shaq’s ass tastes, Shaq knows how Shaq’s ass tastes, and hopefully with this statement anyone who has any interest in the topic will also know how Shaq’s ass tastes,” a visibly annoyed Bryant said. “I just want this myth about me being a guru on ass flavor dispelled.”

Despite his request, there is little doubt the controversy and ribbing over the rap will continue. Kobe’s Olympic teammate, LeBron James, said he is sure Kobe’s reputation for tasting things will come up while the USA team is in China.

“I’m already committed to asking Kobe how the Kung Pao chicken tastes, how the chow mein tastes. Hell, if political tension arises, I’ll even ask him how socialism tastes,” James said. “And if Kobe decides to get an attitude about any of it, I can tell him what this year’s scoring title tastes like, too.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!