ARCHIVES: Elementary school librarian way too into NASCAR

Enjoy this encore presentation of a classic SSNN piece.

TOWSON, MD — Towson Heights elementary principal John Stephens is dealing with a significant quantity of mild complaints from parents regarding libarian Susan Shelson’s obsession with NASCAR.

“The ‘America’s New Mount Rushmore – Earnhardt, Jr.; Gordon; Stewart and Kahne’ unit was not particularly well received,” Stephens stated. “Many parents have called in and contended that Mrs. Shelson is at best trying to impose her views on the students, and at worst has a grossly misguided view of history.”

Upon walking into the ‘Media Center,’ students are able to find indicators of Shelson’s affection for NASCAR everywhere they turn. The checkout line has been renamed pit row; the desks are the ‘grandstand.’ Every class starts with a national anthem, and a prayer.

“I’m irate,” said Michelle Montana, mother of Jaime Montana, 7. “Last week Jaime came home crying. Apparently Mrs. Shelson told her that she spells her name wrong, since some NASCAR guy, Jamie Marlin or Martinez or something, spells it m-i-e. But my daughter is a girl, not a NASCAR driver.”

Shelson’s love of NASCAR has not been without its benefit. Due to her aggressive pursuit of corporate sponsors, the media center has accumulated 22,000 books in the past two years, each emblazoned with the Kellogg’s logo on the back. “That’s not all,” Shelson said. “I had a deal in place to get new computers for the media center, 25 brand new PCs, but the school wouldn’t approve the Budweiser jumpsuit I was going to have to wear.”

The parents of several students have filed a formal complaint, citing “reckless disregard for the education of students,” “perpetration of misguided and/or mistaken beliefs,” and “lackluster performance on Fridays during time trials.” For her part, Shelson vows to keep up the fight.

“If they wave the black flag on me, so be it,” she said. “I’ll move to the back of the pack for a few laps. But in my classroom, ‘Bush’ has a ‘C’ in it, baby. Boogity boogity boogity!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!