Yankee stadium to be destroyed with 55,000 Yankee fans inside

NEW YORK — Joey DiMarino was thrilled when he checked his mail last week and found an unexpected surprise.

“I never would have expected it,” said DiMarino, 28, of East Rutherford, N.J. “I went out to my mail, and what do I see, but a special invitation from the New York Yankees to attend the ‘Last Day of Yankee Stadium.’ I guess it’s a special day that they’re having for their best fans at the stadium, before they blow it up. So in that sense, it seems pretty obvious why they chose me.”

Actually, DiMarino, who is an amazing douchebag, was chosen at random in a lottery of 300,000 of the biggest douchebag Yankee fans in the world. Instead of receiving gifts and a final tour of the stadium, the fans are actually going to be ushered into their seats, where they will be seated while the stadium is destroyed.

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“Yankee fans have such a horrible reputation around the world,” said New York City mayor Mike Bloomberg. “So we thought we’d do the nation a favor by removing 55,000 of them off the face of the earth. And not just any 55,000, we’re talking about 55,000 of the biggest jerks and petulant douchebags that you can find. It’s really going to be tremendous.”

None of the douchebags are aware of the fate that will befall them on that day; rather, they’ve been told that they’re just going to be celebrated for their commitment to the Yankees.

“We’re going to bring in a lot of these assholes and jerks and we’re going to set them down, and tell them that they’re the most representative of all the Yankee fans out there,” said Hank Steinbrenner. “Then, we’re going to blow up the stadium, with them inside of it. Think of it as sort of an AL East cleansing.”

Steinbrenner said he was amused to have received an official-looking invitation to the event in the mail himself.

“Must have been some sort of glitch in the system,” he said. “Surely I’m not invited to the event.”

Bloomberg is thrilled with the Yankees’ proactive approach to the destruction of their stadium and the murder of 55,000 of their fans.

“I think it’s going to be great for the city, and the city’s reputation,” he said. “It’ll probably even help with unrelated things, like the housing crisis. Let’s face it, any way you slice it, eliminating 55,000 douchebag Yankee fans is good for the U.S.A.”