Singletary looks up “interim,” is shocked

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — On Monday, when Mike Singletary went to work, he found a dictionary on his desk.

Singletary, the interim coach of the San Francisco 49ers, was surprised, as his day-to-day interactions do not generally call for either Merriam or Webster. He glanced at the book and quickly realized that it was open to a specific page, with one highlighted word: interim.

Here is what Singletary saw:

in⋅ter⋅im
   /ˈɪntərəm/ [in-ter-uhm]
–noun
1. an intervening time; interval; meantime: in the interim.
2. a temporary or provisional arrangement; stopgap; makeshift.

“I gotta be honest, I was freaking stunned,” said Singletary, who was named interim head coach of the San Francisco 49ers early last week. “Absolutely and completely stunned. I did NOT realize that is what interim meant.”

Singletary benched both quarterback J.T. O’Sullivan and TE Vernon Davis Sunday during a 34-13 shellacking at the hands of the Seahawks. He says he regrets the move now that he realizes what the word means.

“To be honest, I thought it meant something like ‘extremely intense’ or ‘revolutionary.’ You know, like ‘Che Guevara was an interim figure,’ or ‘Stalin was an interim ruler,’ or ‘Pam Anderson has interim tits.’ I had no idea it was so flimsy.”

Singletary said that if he’d realized what interim meant, he’d have left O’Sullivan in to play the whole game, and that he’d have even gone so far as to let Vernon Davis call the plays during the second half.

“I really thought they wanted me to make my mark on this team,” Singletary said. “I didn’t realize that they just sort of were hoping that I’d stand there with my hand in my pocket, keeping the sidelines warm until Bill Cowher shows up. So, my bust.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!