Selig formally thanks Hamels for not stopping the rain

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Bud Selig was moments away from yet another career-defining disaster, but Cole Hamels intervened and saved the day.

As Selig sat fretting that the World Series would end in a rain-shortened disaster, the Tampa Bay Rays miraculously scored a sixth-inning run to tie the game in the top of the 6th inning, forcing the Series to be continued Tuesday night.

“How miraculous that a rainstorm saved me from a shitstorm,” said a giddy Selig. “I owe a great thanks to Cole ‘God’ Hamels, who, for reasons I don’t understand, chose not to stop the rain from coming down. So, thanks, Cole.”

Hamels, who is known by fans of baseball worldwide to actually be the one and only God, had decided that things were going a little too easily for him in Game 5, so he decided to add an element of surprise by making it rain harder.

“I guess I got a little carried away,” Hamels said. “I wanted to make it challenging, so I thought adding a little weather element to it would help out. You know, sort of how I made it challenging for the Egyptians to enslave the Jews by besetting them with ten plagues? Same concept here. I just forgot to turn off the faucet when we had a chance to win the game later on.”

Selig, whose career has been marred by one unfortunate event after another, was thankful, no matter what the cause.

“I don’t know why Cole decided to let it keep raining,” Selig said. “Perhaps he was more concerned with the other issues facing the world and simply forgot. Or perhaps all of my prayers have been answered. Either way, getting this Cole Hamels tattoo on my back was one of the best things I ever did.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!