Rich Rodriguez thought he could bring his old team with him to Michigan, was wrong

ANN ARBOR, MI — New Michigan Wolverines coach Rich Rodriguez’s debut campaign has been anything but a fairy tale. After losing to rival Michigan State and two non-BCS teams in Utah and Toledo, people are wondering why Rodriguez left a successful West Virginia team that was in the BCS hunt last year for a clearly rebuilding Wolverine team.

As ever, Rodriguez was quick to answer.

“First, Michigan is a storied football school with a long and rich tradition that dates back over a hundred years. It is one of the most winning programs in the country,” Rodriguez said. “So that’s big.

“But, secondly, and far more importantly, I thought I could bring my old team with me,” he said. “Seriously, I thought I’d still have Pat White and Noel Devine. I figured maybe a couple of the most talented Michigan players would be able to make the team but I’d still have my core players. I am honestly stunned at the rules that they have in place for situations like this.”

A senior Michigan official confirmed that the stories are true.

“It was amazing,” she said. “We brought Rich out, and the first thing he said was, ‘Show me my players.’ We were pretty excited, naturally, that he’d want to meet the team. We thought he’d give them some big inspirational speech. So we bring him in to meet the team, and he looks around the room and goes, ‘These are not my players.’ We were like, ‘Yes they are, Rich, these are your new players.’ He said, ‘No, they aren’t. I seriously don’t recognize any of these people.’ It was, um … weird? Yeah, I’d say ‘weird’ is the word to use.”

“Listen, I would have never jumped ship if I knew I’d have to run the spread offense with a true freshman quarterback,” Rodriguez said. “I mean, that guy can’t throw more than 30 yards, at least not accurately. Our running back could be a mafia informant with all the cement in his shoes. Our receivers must be afraid of the ball because they’re nowhere near it when it’s thrown. Our defense spends more time on their backs than Jenna Jameson. RIMSHOT!”

Michigan is coming off of a thrashing by Penn State and a let down against cross state rivals Michigan State. At 2-6 they are in danger of missing a bowl game for the first time in over 20 years. West Virginia, on the other hand, is atop of the Big East at 5-2.

“I guess it isn’t how good the coach is, it’s the team,” Rodriguez said. “I wonder if I can have my old job back. Nobody told me I had to play with their team. I figured I recruited these guys and they’d come with me when I left. I never would have left a talented player like Pat White for some nobody like Chad Henne.” When it was pointed out to him that Chad Henne actually graduated and his quarterback is Steven Threet, Coach Rodriguez just let our a string of expletives and walked away sobbing.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!