Red Sox seek to be added to federal bailout

BOSTON — Boston Red Sox owner John Henry announced today that he’s very close to a deal with the U.S. Treasury in which the Boston Red Sox will be added to the federal financial bailout.

“We are very pleased to announce that the U.S. government will likely be taking a minority stake in the Boston Red Sox,” Henry stated. “In exchange, the government is going to give us two extra wins in our ALCS competition against the Rays,

tying the series at three games apiece. This was not our desired solution, but it seems to be the only acceptable alternative.”

The Rays have filed a protest, but they have been overruled by commissioner Bud Selig. Tomorrow night’s game will then decide who will go to the World Series. Henry is working on having the game be played in Boston, but he’s not sure he’ll be able to get it done in time.

“Ideally, we’d like it to be a home game, and we’d like to have a three-run lead,” Henry said. “But we’ll take what we can get. After all, this is a bailout.”

Henry said he got the idea when he realized that the Red Sox, as a bloated, malfunctioning corporation that is not producing, fit perfectly with the other firms that are being bailed out in the crisis.

“The success of the Red Sox is integral to the welfare of this great republic,” Henry said. “Just ask any Red Sox fan or person from New England; they’ll tell you that as far as they know, everyone in the United States loves the Red Sox and wants them to win desperately.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!