Rays forfeit first game of World Series

TAMPA BAY, FL — In an unusual move, the Tampa Bay Rays have officially forfeited the first game of the 2008 World Series, under the provision that Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels would not start game two of the series.

“We figured we have no chance whatsoever of beating Hamels in game one,” said Rays manager Joe Maddon. “So, we asked the Phillies if they’d be willing to take a 1-0 lead in the Series and promise not to pitch Hamels at all in game two. Surprisingly, they agreed. So the bad news is, we’re down 1-0 in the series. But the good news is that we can try and win game two, and then hope that Hamels gets hit by a car or something, so he can’t start games three, four, and five.”

It’s not clear what the Phillies had in mind for Hamels, though many believe that they were simply going to go with Hamels by himself as their entire pitching rotation, at least for the first three games of the series.

“Listen, I’m not going to go into the details of our plans,” said manager Charlie Manuel. “I’m just saying that you’ve got to use the best resources that you have at your disposal if you want to win the World Series. So we were prepared to do what it takes.”

Hamels, for his part, was a bit disappointed that he would not get to appear in the World Series until game three at the latest, but was happy to get his Phillies a 1-0 series lead based upon his mere existence as a dominant force of nature.

“This will be a nice break for me,” Hamels said. “I’ll use the extra couple of days off to plow through these thousands of women lined up who want to, you know, ride the straight talk express, so to speak.”

Commissioner Bud Selig approved the rare transaction, citing a little known Hamels Clause in the World Series rules.

“Under sector 17.8.c, the so-called ‘Hamels Clause,’ a team can actually be credited with two victories in the World Series if their starting pitcher is so dominant and handsome that the opposition can neither score runs nor measure up in terms of the standards of the modern American man,” Selig said. “I examined Tampa Bay’s roster closely and realized that they were extremely vulnerable to a two-game deficit based on the intricacies of the Hamels Clause. Not wanting to see the World Series be compromised, I quickly moved to accept their proposal. Now they will face a one-game deficit, but the Rays seem to think this will at least get them a fighting chance. They’re so youthful and naive, it’s kind of cute. They really think they can beat Cole Hamels in a baseball game. Ha!”