Philadelphia fan commits ritual suicide after dominant start by Cole Hamels

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Cole Hamels dominated the Brewers for eight innings yesterday, propelling the Phillies to a 1-0 lead in their best-of-five playoff series, and tragically ending the life of avid Phillies fan Rocco Montoya, 29, of South Philadelphia.

Montoya, who attended the game in person, committed the Japanese act of ritual suicide, also known as hara kiri, or seppuku. The act, normally performed by samurais, involves plunging a sword into your stomach and disemboweling yourself, as the ultimate act of allegiance to a leader.

“It’s really a shame that ‘Roc’ is dead,” said Andy Mitchell, 28, one of Rocco’s best friends. “All week he was saying, ‘If Cole shuts down the Brewers, I’m gonna kill myself I’ll be so happy,’ but none of us thought that he was serious.”

However, Montoya was indeed serious, heading home after the game and plunging his special “Phillies sabre” that he’d commissioned for this very occasion.

“Look, Roc loved the Phillies, so maybe it’s fitting that in the end he took his life based on Cole Hamels’ dominance,” Mitchell said. “But he probably could have waited till the end of the series. Or at least for Cole to throw a complete game or something. I mean, Lidge almost blew this one, you know what I’m saying?”

Hamels was slightly confused when he heard about the events.

“I imagine he probably killed himself out of disgust when he saw me give up two hits,” Hamels said. “Trust me, I sort of wanted to kill myself too.”