Oden misses first preseason game with temporary blindness following 50th birthday party

PORTLAND — It was supposed to be the long-awaited debut of Greg Oden on the national stage. Instead, it will have to wait.

Oden sat out yesterday’s preseason game with temporary blindness after celebrating his 50th birthday earlier in the day, and having severe damage done to his eyesight by the mass of candles assembled atop his cake.

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“I don’t know why they had to put all 50 candles on top of that cake,” Oden said. “Normally my mom just puts one for each decade I’ve been alive, you know. Or just one in the middle. Much more classy.”

The Portland Fire Department was summoned to the Rose Garden to quell the blaze, which threatened the lives of everyone in attendance. A fire department spokesperson issued a stern statement to the team.

“This is yet another case of the Portland Trailblazers playing fast and loose with the lives of ordinary Portlanders,” the spokesman said. “We have warned them that they should no longer have birthday cakes for any of their aging players, or if they do, to at least light the candles outside of the building. Preferably in a rainstorm, so that the citizens of this great town are not put at risk.”

Teammate Brandon Roy said that Oden looks great for 50.

“You know, the guy’s 50 years old, and he can almost dunk,” Roy said. “That’s pretty good by any standards.”