Obama uses entire half-hour infomercial to talk about Cole Hamels

SUNRISE, FL — In what may go down as the major surprise in this year’s election, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama used his entire, $4 million half-hour infomercial to make an unusual endorsement of Cole Hamels.

“The American people need a leader right now, with our economy in crisis and our soldiers overseas,” Obama said. “Who better to lead us into the future than Cole Hamels, MVP of both the NLCS and the World Series and the greatest pitcher in the history of the universe? He can break ankles with his curveball and build dreams with his changeup; and with his fastball, he can paint the corner of the hopes and dreams of America.”

Obama acknowledged that he was perhaps risking the election against John McCain with his endorsement of Hamels, but he acknowledged that this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

“You know, when you take the national stage,” Obama said, “you are faced with opportunities that you never thought you’d have. You get to meet people you never thought you would, and you get to see people do things that you could never humanly imagine. And that’s what I see in Cole Hamels. I see someone who can truly change the course of events in this country, with his snapdragon breaking pitches and West Coast good looks.”

As the infomercial powered to a close, the surreal event took an even weirder turn, as Obama became angry at the prospect that Hamels would not be given full consideration for President of the United States, and announced that he would be the first to do something about it.

“Enough!” Obama screamed. “We are better than the pitchers we’ve been voting for these past eight years! I am casting my ballot for Cole Hamels, in the hopes that tomorrow brings a brighter day, a day where anyone who wants to can enjoy a devastating changeup, where a 92 mile per hour tailing fastball is a reality and not a dream for working class Americans. I am proud to cast my ballot for Cole Hamels and I know that you will be proud to do so as well!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!