Mayor of Poughkeepsie invites Cole Hamels to son’s wedding

POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y.—Stuart Weinstein, the mayor of Poughkeepsie, has reportedly invited Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels to attend his son’s wedding, in spite of the fact that Hamels has never met any members of the family and has never even been to Poughkeepsie.

“I wanted to invite Cole because I’m so proud of him, and I’m so proud of my family, and I figured with the two things I’m most proud of being brought together, this would be a wonderful weekend for us all,” Weinstein said. “I love the Phillies, and I love King Cole, so I figured it would be a great fit. Oh, I love my son, also.”

Stuart Weinstein’s plan for Hamels is rather complicated; it involves the star pitcher leaving immediately after Game Two and flying to Rochester, where the Mayor has arranged for a police escort to deliver him to Poughkeepsie in time for the rehearsal dinner. He will be staying at the Mayor’s house on Friday night, enjoying the wedding on Saturday, and then being escorted to the airport to catch a late night flight to Los Angeles.

As of late Friday, Hamels had not yet RSVP’d to the invitation that the Mayor sent to Citizen’s Bank Ballpark, but the Mayor was optimistic that he’d join the event.

“Cole Hamels is a national treasure,” Weinstein said. “He doesn’t need to worry about something as mundane as RSVP’ing to a wedding. Cole Hamels is welcome in my home at any time, RSVP or not.”

Joshua Weinstein, 29, and his bride-to-be, Marie O’Connor, were less than pleased to find out that their father had invited Hamels to the wedding.

“It’s not that we don’t want Dad to have fun,” said Josh Weinstein. “But this is like the 50th person he’s invited to the wedding that he barely knows. And in this case, this is a baseball player from another city who probably won’t even be able to come to the wedding. But we still have to pay for his meal, you know.

“And, another thing,” Josh continued. “Dad is really making it out like if Cole doesn’t come to the wedding, it will ruin the whole weekend; like he’s the key to the wedding going down and being fun. Which is sort of crazy, right? Isn’t it supposed to be my weekend?”

Stuart Weinstein immediately questioned his son’s logic.

“Yeah, it’s his weekend, I guess. Though it’s clearly not his weekend to be leading the Phillies to a two-nothing lead in the National League Championship Series. It’s clearly not his weekend to be shutting down the vaunted Los Angeles Dodgers offense for seven innings. So maybe it’s not really his weekend after all.”

Weinstein said he thinks his son needs a little reality check, lest he force his father to make an uncomfortable decision.

“I’ve been a Phillies fan since I was six years old,” Weinstein said. “I’ve only known Joshua since I was 29. So I don’t think we need to call in Sophie to make this choice, if you feel me.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!