Local man goes “slumpbusting” to end bad streak at work; wife is furious

IOWA CITY, IA — Local communications specialist David O’Reilly has been having some trouble at work recently, so he finally decided to do something about it.

“I haven’t been able to get it going recently,” said O’Reilly, who handles internal communications for IC Systems, a computer company here in Iowa City. “I haven’t been able to write that well, I haven’t been able to get projects finished, I haven’t been able to do anything. I just sort of go to work each day and kind of grind it out, but I’m really struggling these days. So I decided I needed to break out.”

O’Reilly went home and told his wife, Tina, about his malaise, and that he was thinking about trying to break out of his slump by going “slumpbusting.”

“She was supportive,” David O’Reilly said. “I was actually surprised, but I didn’t really question it. She was just like, ‘Well, get out there and bust out of your slump,’ so that’s what I decided to do.”

O’Reilly reported that the very same night, he went out to the Shooters Bar and Grill, located in the lobby of a nearby Holiday Inn.

“I got there, and sort of made my scene, and found the fattest, nastiest, loneliest woman I could find,” O’Reilly said. “Well, there she was, a real heifer, I think her name was Michelle or Melissa or something. Anyway, she was in town for the big paper convention over at the Marriott. I bought her a couple of drinks, and then I took her upstairs and, you know, nailed her a couple of times.”

O’Reilly reported that he was home by midnight, and feeling like his old self, when he was confronted by his wife.

“I came in the house and I was like, ‘I did it, babe! I broke my slump!’” David O’Reilly reported. “And she goes, ‘How’d you do that? You didn’t even go to work!’ And so I told her about Michelle. Holy crap, was she pissed.”

Apparently, David O’Reilly found out, Tina did not understand that slumpbusting, in the parlance of the modern athlete, actually means sleeping with a fat woman in hopes of ending a slump.

“I thought he was going to just try harder at work,” Tina O’Reilly said. “We’ve got two kids, for goodness sakes. I didn’t mean ‘Go screw some sow from Nashville at the Holiday Inn.’ Give me a break.”

David O’Reilly feels terrible about the miscommunication, but still feels like the situation worked out well.

“Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter go out and break slumps in the proper fashion,” O’Reilly said. “There’s really only one way to do that, and that’s to find a fat girl and sleep with her. So I’m sorry if my wife doesn’t understand that, but that’s the way that we roll. Besides, Melissa was from Memphis, not Nashville.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!