Local man catches self accidentally rooting for Red Sox; pukes on new couch

TERRE HAUTE, IN — Local consultant John DeWitte was just sitting around on Thursday night, catching a little baseball while his wife Stephanie napped on the couch next to him. By all measures, the evening was progressing like a normal Thursday would, when all of a sudden, things took a turn for the weird.

“It was like the eighth inning, and the Red Sox were down 7-4, and they came up to bat and got a runner on base,” DeWitte said. “I was just sitting there, and all of a sudden, I was like, ‘Yeah, here we go, we’re gonna win this game.’ Then I realized that I said ‘we,’ as though I was cheering for the Red Sox.”

What happened next changed the course of the whole evening.

“Right after I started cheering for the Sox, I got really nauseous and light-headed,” DeWitte said. “The room was spinning. I was trying to get up and get a glass of water or something. I took one step and I just freaking puked everywhere. I mean, projectile vomited everywhere, all over myself, all over Stephanie, all over our brand new couch that we just got from Roy’s Furniture over there on Main. It was freaking disgusting. As J.D. Drew hit that homer, I was just spewing all over the room. It was really gross.”

SSNN has learned that DeWitte was exhibiting a classic case of a disease called Red Sox Bandwagonitis.

“Red Sox Bandwagonitis is a very common disease, particularly in New England,” said Dr. David Hampton. “In fact, it’s so common in New England that there’s an immunity built up. Red Sox Bandwagonitis is rampant up there, to the point that nobody gets ill when they are exposed to a case; in fact, people flaunt it. Could you imagine someone walking into work and saying, ‘I’ve got AIDS!’, and being happy about it? Well, that’s basically what it’s like. I know it’s really weird.”

However, Hampton indicated that DeWitte’s case is one of the first to be discovered outside of New England, and that indeed it is a scary trend.

“Look, if this gets out of control, we’re going to see a pandemic the likes of which are heretofore unknown,” Hampton said. “It could get really bad. People could be puking on themselves all over the Midwest. The stakes are high. Basically, the Rays really need to win game six.”

Conservative estimates show that a spread of Red Sox Bandwagonitis could cause millions of dollars in property damage and could break up many many families.

“That’s what’s so dangerous about Red Sox Bandwagonitis,” Hampton said. “All of a sudden, you wake up one day and the person you thought you knew, they’re just puking on themselves all day long. And they’re doing disgusting, nasty things, like cheering for the Red Sox. It’s really scary. It’s a doomsday scenario.”

Stephanie DeWitte is becoming increasingly concerned, the more she learns about the disease.

“It’s really scary,” she said. “Even aside from the fact that it ruined our couch, which cost $700, it’s really gross. And not just the puking. The whole idea of rooting for the Red Sox; I’m getting sick just thinking about it. Damn, I hope I don’t have the disease too.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!