Joe Torre abandons Chad Billingsley in Nebraska

OMAHA, NE—The Cornhusker State has been making headlines in recent weeks, with its “safe-haven” law—allowing parents to abandon their children at local hospitals without fear of reprisals—being prominently used by out-of-staters who wish to be rid of their kids. Now, however, it is not a helpless infant or a sullen teenager being disowned by its guardian, but a professional athlete—Chad Billingsley.

“Coach just told me to sit here and wait,” a teary-eyed Billingsley was reported to have told medical staff outside of Creighton University Medical Center in Omaha. “He told me he loved me very much and that one day he would come back, but until then I had to listen to the adults here.”

According to the right-hander, Joe Torre approached the 24-year-old after his dismal outing against the Phillies in game 5 in which the righty gave up 3 runs in just 2 2/3 innings. “He told me to pack a few things and get in the station wagon,” Billingsley told SSNN. “We drove a long time and we got to a big hospital. He told me that right now he wasn’t the right coach for me and we would both be better off if I spent some time away—I don’t know what I did wrong,” he sobbed.

While Torre could not be reached for comment, a statement released by the Dodgers read, “Joe took the necessary step, as a guardian and as a coach, to separate himself from Chad. While the decision may seem harsh, it is one that we and Joe feel is the best option.”

When pressed for comment, many of Billingsley’s teammates, while expressing regret over the state of affairs, conceded that it was probably the right move.

“It’s not easy for any of us,” admitted SS Nomar Garciaparra. “We all love Chad and we miss him very much. But sometimes tough love is what’s needed. We know he’ll be back one day. Until then we’ll just have to carry on.”

“I don’t think Joe was able to provide the care Chad needed, and Chad wasn’t exactly the easiest kid in the world to handle,” said fellow pitcher Derek Lowe. “Joe has 24 other players to look after and maybe this was one too many. When a few of us get traded or retire, maybe Chad can come back.”

Billingsley, now a ward of the state, is being housed at the Lady of Fatima Orphanage in Grand Island.

“The nuns seem really nice,” a slightly-cheerier Billingsley said. “But some of the kids are mean. My roommate Bobby heard me crying and he called me a momma’s boy and a queer. I don’t think I like him.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!