Isiah Thomas clears up cover-up controversy: “It was actually Barack Obama”

NEW YORK, NY — Hours after Isiah Thomas was publicly eviscerated by Harrison, N.Y. police chief David Hall for attempting to use his daughter in a cover-up regarding an overdose of sleeping pills, Thomas came clean to SSNN about what happened.

“David Hall is correct, his cops can indeed tell the difference between a 47-year-old black man and a 16-year old girl,” Thomas said. “Initially I had told folks that it was my daughter who had overdosed on sleeping pills in an apparent attempt to kill herself. But that was obviously a lie and we were busted by the authorities, who had indeed noted on medical records that it was a 47-year-old black man who was hospitalized. So we were caught, and I’m sorry about that.

“So today I am here to clear the air,” Thomas said. “I am here to come clean. We did call the authorities on Friday night to report a 47-year-old black man who had overdosed. It was Barack Obama. That’s right, presidential candidate Barack Obama. Seriously, did any of you see him on Friday night? No? That’s what I thought. Because he overdosed at my house. So that should put all this to bed.”

Obama, who is 10 days away from the election for President, had suspended his campaign for the past few days so he could visit his ailing grandmother in Hawaii.

“I hate to have to call him out like this, but this police officer sort of forced my hand,” Thomas said. “So, it is what it is. Instead of going to Hawaii to visit his grandmother, but then he decided to come to New York and eat about 80 aspirin and try to kill himself. It was weird, and somewhat unsettling, but hey, I figured I had to try and cover for the guy. But now the truth is out.”

When informed by reporters that they didn’t believe him, Thomas was incredulous.

“What?” he said. “You think that I’m lying about this? That’s crazy. You have to really sit there and ask yourself, which is more likely–that Barack Obama would try and kill himself, or that Isiah Thomas would try and kill himself. And the answer is clearly Obama. I mean, why would I try and kill myself? Just because my career is in the toilet and I’ve confessed to sexual harassment and been accused of racism? That’s not a reason. Now think about Obama. He might become President of the United States. Think about how much pressure that’s going to bring with it. Leader of the free world. Clearly he wants an out, right?”

Obama could not be reached for comment. “He’s probably depressed,” Thomas said. “Crushed under the weight of speaking to 80,000 screaming people. It’s intense; not everyone can handle it. We should be very gentle to him during these rough times.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!