INS raids ESPN Deportes

BRISTOL, CT—I.N.S. officials conducted a raid on ESPN’s sister company ESPN Deportes late yesterday afternoon, acting on an anonymous tip that the company was employing illegal aliens. Two dozen employees were arrested, including prominent anchors Jose Hernandez and Adrianna Monsalve. I.N.S. agents also informed reporters that further investigations into the activities of the Spanish-speaking network were underway.

The move was met with approval from many of ESPN’s regular anchors who told reporters that the authorities had long turned a blind eye to Deportes’s activities. “It’s about time,” said anchor John Anderson. “They could only get away with thumbing their nose at the law for so long.”

Many more anchors were not shy about sharing their opinions on the cable network, choosing to vent their frustrations at the assembled press corps.

“We all know how this happened,” snapped Linda Cohn. “ESPN’s looking to expand into other demographics, they look for Spanish-speaking reporters, and naturally they go with the guy who will work cheaply, not the one who deserved the job more.”

“This isn’t a racial thing, not at all,” said Josh Elliot, former host of Classic Now. “I’m the least racist person I know. It’s about fairness to legal residents. These people are undermining our economy, and this just shows you how bad it’s gotten.”

ESPN Deportes was launched in 2004 as a Spanish alternative to the Worldwide Leader in Sports, and has performed fairly well in Hispanic households since being added to the Nielsen Ratings back in April.

“Good riddance,” sneered N.F.L. Live host Trey Wingo. “A buddy of mine applied for a job with that network. He was totally fluent in Spanish, he took like four years in college, and they just shot him down, took some dude right off the boat or whatever. Decent, hardworking Americans are being shafted every day by this travesty.”

“When I started at this network,” roared longtime ESPN fixture Chris Berman, “We didn’t speak Spanish. We didn’t need to because Spanish didn’t exist! Now it’s Jose this and Rodriguez that! It’s outta control!” Berman continued to yell loudly for several minutes until personal assistants intervened and told him there was a football game on inside somewhere.

Not all of ESPN’s personalities voiced contempt for their colleagues at Deportes. Several, in fact, came out in support of those arrested and detained.

“They’re just trying to make a living, same as us,” said Outside the Lines host Bob Ley. “This is the exact same prejudice that was shown to the Irish when they showed up, and the Chinese before them.”

“Everybody has a right to live here,” Stuart Scott told reporters. “This is America. We’re a nation of immigrants and it seems some people have forgotten that.”

“This isn’t ‘our’ land. We stole it from them,” said inscrutable anchor Brian Kenny. “The military-industrial complex propagates wars for their personal gain. I have some books you should read.”

An official statement released by ESPN read, “The Entertainment and Sports Programming Network has always done its utmost to comply with local, state, and federal law. It is against company policy to knowingly employ undocumented aliens, and rest assured whoever is responsible for this lapse in company policy will be punished.”

“Anyone else find the name funny?” asked Jay Harris. “’Cause the name’s like, ESPN Deportes and that’s really close to ‘deport’. Which is funny, ‘cause now that what’s gonna happen…anyone?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!