Hockey players fight over politics with Palin in attendance

PHILADELPHIA, PA—The Philadelphia Flyers season-opener against New York made a few extra headlines than usual, thanks to the appearance of Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, a self-described “hockey mom”, who ceremoniously dropped the puck.

A fight broke out a few minutes into the game between the Flyers Riley Cote and the Rangers Colton Orr, and another one between Brandon Dubinsky and Mike Richards escalated a few minutes later. Though the fights went relatively unnoticed, SSNN has learned that they were inspired, in part, by the presence of Mrs. Palin.

Rangers Right Winger Colton Orr laid the scene out for SSNN:

“Cote goes, ‘God, she is so stupid, good thing she’ll never be president.’ Well, I couldn’t just take that. I go, ‘so you want Hussein Obama to run this country?’ and he says ‘Better him than George Bush with breasts.’ Well, needless to say, that was all, it was go time.”

When asked for his side of the story, Flyers Left Winger Cote had a rather different version of events:

“Is that what that knuckle-dragger said?” asked a revolted Cote. “No, that’s not how it went down. Colton goes ‘I’m so honored to have met our next vice-president.’ I go, ‘Oh, so the election’s over? Thanks for telling me.’ Then he’s like, ‘It’s a done deal. America won’t elect a Muslim socialist.’ I said, ‘That’s not what the polls say.’ And then he just went apeshit on me.”

When asked for his account, official Michel Cormier told SSNN, “I didn’t hear what they said beforehand. All I heard when I was pulling them apart was ‘Barack Hussein wants to destroy America!’ and ‘John McCain wants to invade Iran!’ They sounded like a pair of girls, frankly.”

Nevertheless, everyone seems to be in agreement with the events leading up to the Dubinsky-Richards fight in the closing moments of the first period.

“Dubinsky was going on and on about how John McCain would continue eight years of disastrous Republican rule, while Mike started yelling that Obama was an empty suit with a messiah complex who would bend over backwards to let the terrorists win. Dubinsky then replied that diverting our efforts to a country that had no ties to al-Qaeda and posed no imminent threat to the U.S. seemed like a pretty good way of letting the terrorists off the hook, and Richards told him that he was cocksucking tree-hugger who didn’t appreciate the ramifications of Islamofacism and its prevalence,” recounted Rangers captain Scott Gomez.

When asked for her reaction to the game being disrupted due to passionate discussion of current events in an election year by famous professional athletes, Sarah Palin replied, “I like hockey.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!