Florida Marlins apply to Extreme Home Makeover

MIAMI — In desperate hopes of revitalizing their broken down stadium, the Florida Marlins have applied to Extreme Home Makeover in hopes of getting the hit ABC show to build them a new, retractable roof baseball stadium.

“The time has come for us to get a new stadium,” said Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria. “Clearly the city of Miami is not going to help us out; neither is the state of Florida. And Major League Baseball seems content to watch us struggle year after year with the smallest payroll in the league. So we’ve turned to the one man who can save us … Ty Pennington.”

Ty Pennington, of course, is the carpenter-turned-philanthropist who is the star of Extreme Home Makeover. He was noncommittal about the Marlins request when reached by SSNN.

“Normally we build homes for families,” Pennington said. “Occasionally we’ll do an institution, but generally it’s a not-for-profit, like a hospital, or a church. And in those cases, it’s often a situation where the organization needs a special type of facility that they cannot otherwise afford. I’m not quite sure that building a baseball stadium for a professional baseball team would qualify.”

“What is he talking about?” Loria said, incredulously. “The Florida Marlins have enormous needs. We need a retractable roof–without one, we constantly end up getting all wet. So that’s the overarching need. But we also need a number of individual improvements to our locker room that will allow our players to perform better.”

Loria indicated that, for example, Dan Uggla was in need of a special, lower urinal. “Right now, if you go into our locker room, there is piss all over the floor, because Dan Uggla cannot reach the urinal,” Loria said. “It’s disgusting. So we’d like to get one of those kiddie urinals, or at least one that goes all the way to the floor … something like that.”

Loria said he doesn’t want to seem greedy, but he’d also like a few more locker room improvements, including a giant bed made of palm leaves for Hanley Ramirez to sleep on, and a supersized trough at which Josh Willingham can feed. “We’ve had a lot of problems trying to get Josh to eat with silverware in the clubhouse,” Loria said, “and frankly, I don’t want him scratching up our dishes anymore. So some sort of trough or other mass-feeding vessel would really be appreciated.”

There was no word from ABC as to when the Marlins can expect word on their application, but they are hopeful that it comes before the beginning of next season.

“There is piss all over the floor of the clubhouse,” Loria said. “Ty, come soon.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!