Evan Royster preparing to be a horrible, god-awful, embarrassment as a pro

STATE COLLEGE, PA — Penn State running back Evan Royster is having a terrific sophomore season, and it’s only natural to begin to think about the transition from Saturdays to Sundays.

“Evan is a truly great running back,” said Penn State coach Joe Paterno. “I mean, he is really something special. I personally think he’s going to be the best Penn State running back to come out of here since Blair Thomas. That’s right, better than Curtis Enis and Ki-Jana Carter. Yeah, I said it.”

Royster has rushed for 10 touchdowns and nearly 900 yards this year while helping lead Penn State to an spotless 8-0 record and a showdown with Ohio State this weekend. The national stage for this weekend’s game will, Royster hopes, mark the beginning of his coming-out party for the NFL.

“They’re going to look at me and realize that I’m going to bring them the best of every Penn State running back,” Royster said. “I’m going to have the durability of Blair Thomas, the consistency of Ki-Jana Carter, the toughness of Curtis Enis. I may even incorporate the off-the-field problems of Larry Johnson. I mean, I’m really going to be something special.”

Many scouts agree that Royster can be an awful, horrible, embarrassing pro.

“I just hope that we have a chance to pick him in the top three picks,” said one scout for the Kansas City Chiefs. “I mean, if you watch him play in college, it looks like he’s got all the tools. He just runs through those Big Ten defenses. If they give him the ball a few hundred times the next couple of years, he’ll be perfectly primed to be a horrible disappointment in the NFL. I mean, he really has the potential to be one of the worst picks of all-time. Frankly, I’m stoked … could you imagine being the scout who found the guy that made people forget Curtis Enis? This is why you get up in the morning, if you’re me.”

Royster is hopeful that he’ll be drafted by the Cincinnati Bengals, so that he can follow in the glorious footsteps of Carter.

“Ki-Jana left a lot of stones unturned in Cincinnati,” Royster said. “Because he wasn’t really playing football for that long. So maybe I can carry that torch for awhile.”

Royster notes that not all Penn State running backs have been total busts in the NFL, like D.J. Dozier. After all, Franco Harris did attend Penn State, and then went on to a Hall of Fame career.

“Franco’s what we call an ‘outlier,’” Royster said. “I don’t anticipate bringing much of his game with me to the NFL. It wouldn’t be right; I mean, after all, he’s a Hall of Famer, and we have a reputation to uphold. Maybe I’ll grow a beard, though, you know … as an homage.”

Royster was also befuddled by the mention of Curt Warner, who starred at PSU before going on to play seven years for the Seahawks, making the Pro Bowl three times.

“Curt Warner?” Royster asked. “You mean the dude for the Cardinals who’s married to that old chick? He’s a quarterback, bro.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!