Evan Longoria afraid of spiders, snakes, and World Series

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Prior to this week, Evan Longoria had only two major fears: spiders and snakes. However, teammates from the Tampa Bay Rays report that Longoria can safely add a third item to this list of things that give him the jibbly-wibblies — the World Series.

“We always knew lil Evan was afraid of spiders and snakes,” said centerfielder BJ Upton. “One day Carlos Pena put a fake spider in his locker and he totally freaked out–almost peed his pants. And although I’ve never witnessed it myself, the same sort of reaction, I hear, can be elicited by a rubber snake. Well, you know what? We can officially add ‘The World Series’ to the list of things that scare the living crap out of Evan.”

According to reports from the Tampa Bay dugout, Longoria has been nervous to even set foot outside the dugout for World Series games.

“Longoria just sits there the whole time and shakes, quivering with nervous fear,” said shortstop Jason Bartlett. “Even when we’re out in the field, I can hear him saying, ‘Please don’t hit it to me, please don’t hit it to me.’ When there’s a popup, everyone at home thinks he’s yelling ‘Mine!’ but really he’s yelling ‘Help! Help!’ It’s pretty sick.”

“If you watch Evan, you realize that the World Series is like the scariest thing he’s ever seen,” said pitcher Grant Balfour. “I mean, this is his Seven or Friday the 13th. This is his nightmare situation. He is just so freaking jumpy and scared. I walked up to him the other day and said ‘Boo!’, and he collapsed into the fetal position on the floor for twenty minutes. And this was in the middle of game three.”

Other reports have indicated that Longoria is routinely in tears before being forced to bat; that he’s often found searching for a “chicken out” route from the on-deck circle, and that he’s actually volunteered to take the day off each game of the Series.

“Yes, it’s true, I can confirm that Evan has volunteered to take the day off for each of the last four games, and that he also volunteered the same regarding tonight,” manager Joe Maddon said. “I’m not sure why–maybe he feels like he needs a day off to recharge his batteries. Or maybe he just wants to give Willy Aybar some more at bats. I’m not really sure. Either way it’s a little weird. But I sorted it out.”

According to Rays sources, Maddon has promised to give Longoria a lollipop in exchange for each at-bat and inning in the field.

“I figured, he’s a bit scared, I’ll give him a sucker, and see what happens,” Maddon said. “He totally went for it. Kids are so stupid sometimes.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!