Derek Anderson settles vendetta against fan, will resume being a good quarterback

CLEVELAND, OH — An irate and perhaps overly sensitive Derek Anderson has informed SSNN that he has completed his vendetta against fantasy football fanatic Nathan Zimmerman, and that the Cleveland Browns quarterback will return to being a dominant football player.

“I’m back now,” Anderson said after throwing for two touchdowns and no interceptions against the New York Giants on Monday in a 35-14 Browns victory. “I took a few weeks off, because I was pissed that Nathan said that I ’sucked’ during week one. But all of that is over.”

SSNN has learned that Zimmerman said “This guy blows,” and “he sucks,” both in reference to Anderson’s awful performance in week one.

“A friend of Nathan’s heard the comments, and he told his wife, who told my sister’s former college roommate on Facebook,” Anderson said. “Well, it’s not hard to see how easily it got back to me. So I decided to really show him how much I could suck, and then hopefully he’d cut me. Finally he did it during our bye week, and then, voila, here I am with two scores.”

Browns coach Romeo Crennel was less than pleased when he found out about Anderson’s personal vendetta.

“It seems like he’s kind of playing fast and loose with our season,” Crennel said. “Also, he almost cost himself a starting job. So it’s sort of doubly stupid, no?”

However, some of Anderson’s teammates agreed with his behavior.

“I think he was right on,” said Braylon Edwards. “I say, ‘Bravo.’ You’ve got to have respect for yourself, if you want others to respect you. Once, a guy in a McDonald’s asked me if I could try and score a few more touchdowns, and I had to threaten to kill him. You have to handle your business, you know?”

Anderson indicated that he was very hurt by Zimmerman’s remarks, and he still expects an apology.

“These fantasy sporters, they don’t understand the impact that their ‘games’ have on our real life,” Anderson said. “Nathan cost me a ton of sleep. It’s hard enough being the starting quarterback on the Browns … but you start to think about how you’re also the quarterback of Nathan’s Famous Hot Doggy Dogg’s, and you get really nervous. It’s a lot of pressure, and sometimes, you crumble. So lay the fuck off, if you please.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!