Cowboys desperately trying to hire Roy Williams as coach

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. — North Carolina basketball coach Roy Williams has received at least 40 frenetic phone calls from Cowboys owner Jerry Jones in the past 24 hours, who is desperately trying to hire him to coach the Cowboys.

“Yes, they want me to come and coach the Cowboys,” Williams said. “They think that having more and more Roy Williamses on the team is good for chemistry or something like that. Even though I have no experience coaching football, and I don’t even really like the sport, they think that I’d be perfect for the job. And you know what? I’m thinking about it.”

Jones indicated that Roy Williams is clearly his favorite name, and that everyone named Roy Williams has a job with the Cowboys whenever he wants it. He recently traded Detroit for wide receiver Roy Williams, who will start opposite Terrell Owens. Dallas also has strong safety Roy Williams.

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“We’re looking at any way possible to improve our team,” Jones said. “Any way possible. One way that we’ve found that works pretty well is to get lots of people named Roy Williams on our team.”

Jones indicated that he’s offered contracts to Roy Williams (artist), Disney story man / gag man and in the 1950s; Roy Williams (jazz), British trombone player; Roy Williams (playwright), contemporary British playwright; Roy Williams (Scouting), Boy Scouts of America director; Roy H. Williams, author and advertising executive; Roy Lee Williams, Teamsters labor union president; and Roy T. Williams, Church of the Nazarene superintendent.

“I just basically went to Wikipedia and I found the disambiguation page for Roy Williams, and I just called up all the people who are on the list and offered them jobs with the Cowboys,” Jones said. “I figure, they’ve got to be better than Pacman Jones, right?”

Jones is receiving a lot of bad press in Dallas, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

“People are always gonna criticize you when you do something unorthodox,” Jones said. “But you know what? I don’t care. I fuckin’ love the name Roy Williams, and that’s all there is to it.”