Browns players suffering as groupies refuse sexual favors due to locker room conditions

CLEVELAND, OH — As the controversy surrounding the conditions in the Cleveland Browns locker room continues to fester, several Browns players have noted that the stigma is starting to hit the team where it hurts — with jersey-chasers.

“It’s weird, but even the sluttiest groupies are a little leery of me these days,” says Kellen Winslow, who was at the center of the initial controversy. “I called a girl the other day who is a sure thing — and I really mean a sure thing — and she was like, ‘Sorry, I’m doing my hair tonight.’ I was like, ‘What?’ And she goes, ‘Okay, I’m not doing my hair, I just don’t want to get any infections from you.’ This is really awful.”

The woman, 19-year-old Shawndra Alexander, of East Cleveland, has reportedly had sex with approximately 75 different NFL players, including at least 13 members of the Browns.

“I just don’t wanna catch a staph infection and get gangrene and lose my arm,” Alexander told SSNN. “I mean, the risk is just way to high. This is not like chlamydia or the Clap, where you just take some antibiotics and block Michael Vick’s phone number, and you’re fine in three weeks. No, this is more serious. I’m just not willing to risk it, no matter how much of a ’soldier’ Kellen is, if you get my drift.”

Winslow, who has returned to practice after resolving his differences with GM Phil Savage and team owner Randy Lerner, is hoping to put the staph infection controversy behind him. However, other Browns are reeling from the revelations about their locker room.

“As you know, one of my favorite things to do is to nail like nine girls the day after a game,” said Braylon Edwards. “Well, since this awful, awful deal with our locker room sprung up, I’m only averaging about 6.7 women after each game. So that’s a serious decline. I mean, it’s still probably within the standard deviation, but it’s statistically significant. Frankly, I’m worried.”

Another renowned Browns jersey chaser, Monique Velazquez, 29, of Akron, says that she’s not curtailing all Browns-related activities, but she is avoiding the locker room.

Velazquez, who is a stripper at a local gentleman’s club, stated that she is going to be extremely careful when dealing with Browns players.

“Listen, I used to let pretty much anyone on the Browns take me into their locker room and do pretty much whatever they want to me,” Velazquez said. “I won’t do that anymore. I will now only ‘interact’ with them in what I have determined to be more clean places — namely, airport restrooms, strip club bathrooms, and public buses. It makes it a little difficult, but hey, you only get one body, so you have to be safe.”

Still, some Browns are not too worried about the locker room conditions. Quarterback Derek Anderson has not seen any negative effect on his life.

“I just started wearing a condom all the time,” Anderson said. “I mean, all the time. I’ve got a condom on right now. Right now, as I’m sitting here, in my jeans and t-shirt, I’m wearing a condom. Just a condom, on me, right now. You know? Condom.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!