B.J. Upton steals three bases and Joe Buck’s heart

PHILADELPHIA, PA — With three swift stolen bases in the sixth and eighth innings, B.J. Upton stole the Tampa Bay Rays back into Saturday night’s World Series game, and, more importantly, stole the heart of Fox baseball announcer Joe Buck.

“It’s been the legs of B.J. Upton that have gotten the Rays back into this game,” announced a giddy Buck. “Those glistening, firing pistons; complex machines operating effortlessly, scurrying his slender fame around the bases. Those lengthy, sinewy, rivers of chocolate hope. They are truly amazing.”

Buck says that he’s been impressed with Upton all season, but that his admiration has realized a new height during the World Series, watching Upton sparking the Rays offense with his amazing bat and lightning speed.

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“B.J. Upton is really an amazing baseball player,” Buck said during the seventh inning of Saturday’s game. “He can run, he can hit, he can throw. He is a five-tool player and he can do anything he wants on a baseball field.”

Overall, these comments were fine, and much in line with many of the other adulatory comments that have been thrust upon Upton this season. However, Buck then got a little carried away in the eighth inning, after Upton’s second and third steals of the game, which tied a World Series record.

“I want to bathe myself in B.J. Upton’s ability,” Buck said. “I want to let his throwing arm pour over my face; I want to let his faux-hawk scrub my back; I want to let him pound me with a baseball bat while the scalding water throbs my flesh. B.J. Upton is a beautiful, beautiful young man, and watching his lithe body dance around the baseball field is one of my only joys in life.”

Upton, when reached for comment, said that the statements by Buck sounded “pretty gay.” However, overall, he was unfazed.

“You should see the letters that Dick Vitale writes to me,” Upton said. “Yikes.”