Angry Al Davis to run for President

OAKLAND, CA—Unsatisfied with running an NFL franchise and filled with contempt for the Washington establishment, and to a larger degree the human race in general, controversial football executive Al Davis announced yesterday that he would be throwing his hat in the ring for the 2008 presidential election.

“I fucking love being in charge,” said Davis. “Too many incompetent people everywhere I go. Washington needs to get its shit together. I’ll whip those assholes into shape if it’s the last goddamn thing I do—which, I assure it won’t be. Al Davis ain’t going nowhere anytime soon.”

Davis also took time to assure the Raiders fan base that he wouldn’t let his presidency interfere with running the team, telling everyone that in eight years the economy would be fixed, Osama bin Laden will have been captured and the Raiders would have “at least” two more Super Bowl victories.

“Oh and Lane Kiffen will have ‘committed suicide.’ I think I can arrange that,” Davis added.

Davis’s platform will calls for the elimination of the Department of Education, (“Everything you need to know you learn on the field”) the expansion of the Department of Justice (“For compensation over being robbed in Super Bowl XXVII”) the elimination of the Department of Health and Human Services (“It just coddles young people”) and the immediate deaths of all who have offended Davis in his entire life.

Davis said among the cost-cutting measures he will implement once elected will include replacing the Secret Service with the Raiders offensive line, despite consensus among the football world that the unit appears to be incapable of stopping a small car, let alone a bullet. Davis also plans to transform the “football”, the briefcase containing the codes for the United States nuclear arsenal, into a literal pigskin with the codes inside because “it would just be easier to carry around.”

Davis plans to implement many of his tried-and-true NFL tactics to the problems the country is currently facing, including pumping up overseas troops with his famous “Just Win, Baby!” slogan, distributing steroids to members of Congress, and moving the Capitol to Los Angeles.

Reaction from the two main presidential contenders was mixed. Democratic nominee Barack Obama wished Davis the best of luck, and signed off with a good-natured “Raiders suck, go Bears.” While McCain himself could not be reached for comment, an aide did tell SSNN that he was concerned that Davis would detract from the ‘senile, way-past-their-prime, disgruntled, and possibly violent’ voting bloc, which has been McCain’s consistent base throughout his campaign.

Davis has not announced who his vice president will be yet (close sources reveal that the three-time Super Bowl champion considers it unnecessary and believes himself to be immortal) but did propose making Jack Tatum Minister of Defense “for obvious reasons.”

Experts have already begun speculating about how Davis’s entrance would change the current political landscape. Jack Chezkum, analyst for MSNBC, said that while Davis’s entrance will almost certainly lose California for Obama, it will also split the conservative vote in most swing states, possibly causing an Obama landslide.

“Right now McCain is hedging his chances on people who have suffered a complete break with reality and are simply unwilling to face facts. Davis is almost certain to tear that vote in two now. Davis is older, far more senile, and he has three Super Bowl rings, whereas McCain only has a Purple Heart and a Silver Star. I can see McCain losing a lot of ground on this one.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!