Alexander Ovechkin tells family he’s going on extended business trip (again)

MOSCOW, RUSSIA—With the start of the NHL season approaching, many players and coaches are taking the time to enjoy the remaining free time they have with friends and family, knowing that they will see little of them for the next eight months. One player, however, has taken to telling his family that he will be traveling to America on an extended business trip, as he has for the past three years, out of a sense of disgrace of what he really does.

“I’m too ashamed,” confessed Ovechkin. “They all think I’m a business consultant. I can’t tell them what I really do. If they knew I was an NHL player, I’d probably die from embarrassment.”

Ovechkin’s family is currently under the impression that the reigning-MVP is a sales consultant with Vladimir’s Влади́мир International, a non-existent company Ovechkin invented, complete with business cards and company t-shirts, as well as a fake web page.

“He does such good work,” said Ovechkin’s girlfriend, Katja. “He makes so much money doing what he does—I’m not sure what, exactly, though. He said it was really complicated and it involved a lot of numbers. He doesn’t seem to enjoy talking about it much.”

“It must be hard, living in America for six or seven months at a time,” commented Ovechkin’s mother, Tatyana. “But Alex seems to enjoy it. I sometimes ask if I can come visit him, but he always tells me that it would be too distracting for him.”

Ovechkin is the highest-paid player in NHL history and is widely regarded as one of the game’s greatest players. Rather than take solace in this, Ovechkin sees it as a further ignominy.

“That’s more or less like saying, ‘I’m an alcoholic and I’m widely regarded as one of the biggest fuck-ups in drinking history. Vagrant drunkards want to be like me. They down a bottle of Jack Daniels and tell themselves I would push it more.’ No, I’m not admitting I’m successful.

“God, can you imagine having to tell your family you play hockey for a living?” continued the clearly disgusted Ovechkin. “I mean, they say your family will love you no matter what, but come on, who on earth can love an NHL player? How could they show their faces to their friends? ‘My son’s in the military, my daughter’s a ballerina, my son murders hookers.’ All good and normal. But how do you stand up and say ‘My son plays in the NHL’ and not burst into tears?”

Growing up, Ovechkin was forced to hide his love and passion for hockey from those around him, telling his parents he was hanging out with friends or taking night classes. As he grew more and more skilled, his lies became more grandiose, telling stories of sightseeing and tourism whilst competing in international competitions.

“The lie just grows bigger and bigger every year,” a clearly-stressed Ovechkin said. “I know one day, I’ll slip up and the terrible truth will come out. It will all come out. I don’t think my mother will be able to take it. Every lie I’ve told will be revealed. My whole life has been a lie. No one will know who I really am anymore.”

Not all of those in the all-star’s close circle are convinced of the NHL player-of-the-year’s claims, however, though few have any clue to his true profession.

“There’s no way Alex is a businessman,” commented friend Sasha Dolvich. “He has way too much money, and he goes to the United States for months at a time, and comes home with bruises and chipped teeth? Alex is a spy, plain as day. He’s in great shape, he doesn’t talk about his work at all, and he always carries a really clunky bag around. He’s an assassin for Putin. Which is totally fine, half the people I know happen to be, but he should be honest with his friends.”

“One day I’ll tell them the truth,” the 23-year-old swore. “But until then, I’m Alex Ovechkin, sales consultant on an extended business trip through the United States. Want to buy some siding?”