Adam Jones actually didn’t realize what “zero tolerance” meant

DALLAS, TX — A dismayed Adam “Pacman” Jones is stunned that he’s been suspended indefinitely by the NFL for his role in an altercation the other day and his violation of the league’s zero-tolerance policy.

Jones has stated that his violation of the policy comes from a misunderstanding of the meaning of the phrase.

“Zero tolerance apparently doesn’t mean that you hate losers,” Jones said. “See, I always thought that it meant, ‘We hate losers, zeroes, clowns, jokers, lame-o’s,’ that sort of thing. I thought they were just using the term ‘zero’ as a euphemism for dorks. I honestly had no idea what it really meant.

Jones said that he actually has not been trying to stay out of trouble these past few months, and that his success in avoiding the long arm of the law is simply a coincidence.

“Yeah, I haven’t been trying to stay out of trouble,” Jones said. “I guess I just got lucky or something. Who knows. If I had been trying to stay out of trouble, then I might not have, you know, gotten into a fight with my own bodyguard. Cuz that seems pretty stupid.”

Jones is appealing his suspension with the league, based on a technicality. Namely, he believes the misleading nature of the term “zero tolerance.”

“It should actually be probably called intolerance,” Jones said, “since it doesn’t seem too tolerant at all. And we all know that tolerance is something that should be allowed, unless we’re turning back the laws of the Martin Luther King times. Right?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!