Turns out Cooley masturbates fully clothed

WASHINGTON, DC — It turns out that Chris Cooley masturbates fully clothed, SSNN has learned, after revelations surfaced that the star tight end studies his playbook naked.

Cooley mistakenly posted a picture on his blog that showed his genitalia hanging over a playbook. The picture quickly made its rounds on the Internet and the legend of Chris Cooley grew exponentially. It was after these pictures were taken down that Cooley tried to control the damage by talking about his clothed masturbation.

“Yeah, it’s a little backwards, I guess,” Cooley said. “I study totally nude. Just straight in the buff. But I masturbate and do other stuff with a ton of clothing on. That’s just sort of C-squared being C-squared, if you know what I mean.”

When Cooley was informed that most people wear some amount of clothing while masturbating, Cooley clarified.

“I guess most people masturbate with some sor tof clothing on, unless they are in the shower,” Cooley said. “But, I like to be fully clothed. I mean flannel shirt, jeans, socks, preferably wool, ball cap and even a pair of sunglasses. Sometimes I even throw an overcoat on. I’m a quirky guy, what can I say?”

While some might think it’s weird that he wears sunglasses, indoors, while masturbating, Cooley had an explanation for that as well.

“Oh, I always wear shades when I masturbate,” Cooley said, “you know, so God can’t see my eyes.”