Tom Brady’s rehab plan is basically to bang a bunch of supermodels

FOXBORO, MA — Monday was a grim day for the fans of the New England Patriots. In what has become know and the “second shot heard ’round the world” the Chiefs‘ Bernard Pollard crashed into Tom Brady’s left knee causing what is known to be a torn ACL. The Patriots have not confirmed this due to Bill Belichick’s near CIA-level secrecy but fortunately for SSNN the White House was also aware of Brady’s status and leaked that information to this reporter.

Dr. Robert Louis-Li, world famous knee surgeon, will perform the surgery on Brady’s knee and has already mapped out his rehab. SSNN was lucky enough to get the broad strokes of his rehab process.

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“Tom is a very special individual, and as such, we had to create a very unique rehabilitation process for him,” Dr. Louis-Li confided in SSNN. “The ACL is one of the most severe injuries short of brain or spinal damage. The healing process can be upwards of 9-12 months of grueling therapy.”

“For the first three months after surgery we recommend nothing more than the ‘Missionary’ position with Tyra Banks. Tyra is the optimal candidate with her large breasts and ample buttocks making the perfect cushion for Tom to repetitively bounce up and down on without harming his knee.”

Dr. Louis-Li went on to explain the next part of the rehab. “We hope after month three he will be able to move on to the ‘Cowgirl’ position with Giselle. This would require Tom to bend his knees and thrust upward while his hot, supermodel girlfriend goes straight freaky on him.

“At about six months we plan on weaning Tom off of Giselle and moving on to standing ‘Doggie Style’ with Heidi Klum.” This will be the make or break time for Brady, according to Dr. Louis-Li. “If he can handle the 5′9″ model he has a good shot at being back for the opening game next season. She has a notorious reputation for being wild in the sack and we’re hoping Tom’s knee will hold up. It’s a very aggressive move with much side-to-side motion as well as front and back. Tom is going to have to work very hard to get ready but he’s up to the challenge. As a matter of fact, every time I mention this part of rehab he gets right up. But I digress.

“The last phase will be after 9 months. Without any setbacks we are hoping Tom will be ready for the ‘Wheelbarrow’ with Marissa Miller. This is the most strenuous of all positions since he will be supporting his weight plus much of Marissa’s. Fortunately most of her weight is in her chest which will be hanging down in, ahhhh, a-a-a-a downward, uhhh….I mean a…. would you kindly excuse me for about 15 minutes?”

Brady hopes to injure his ACL again next fall.