Tom Brady retired to stud

FOXBORO, MA—Citing his season-ending injury and diminishing enthusiasm for the game, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement yesterday, and said he plans to spend more time with breath-takingly hot women. Brady says he hopes to live as normal a life as possible while traveling the world and having mind-blowing sex with women most men would never dream of even talking to.

“I just feel like I’ve come to the point where my desire to play football has been outweighed by my desire to sleep with gorgeous women,” a statement by Brady read. “I’ve had a lot of fun during my time with the Patriots, and I wish all my fans and teammates the best as I move forward.”

Brady’s agent says the three-time Super Bowl champ plans to have sex with stunningly attractive women in every country on Earth and hopefully sire enough children to form his own NFL team. When asked what Brady intended to do once he had successfully exchanged bodily fluids with every jaw-dropping woman in the world, Brady’s agent speculated that Tom might start having sex with normally straight men to further solidify his status as an unstoppable force of hunk. Despite the fact that Brady is not fluent in any language other than English, Brady’s agent assured SSNN that “all women speak quarterback.”

Many of Brady’s now-former teammates had nothing but praise for the future Hall-of-famer. RB Laurence Maroney told SSNN, “Now that he’s finished with football, it’s good to know he can focus on his hobbies—and having sex with flawless specimens of feminine beauty is just one of the many things Tom excels at. He’s earned a long, hard—ummm, I mean quiet–retirement.”

“I wish him the best of luck,” said S Rodney Harrison. “He was a fantastic quarterback, but he was an even better lover—uh, not that I would know about that or anything.”

Even the normally bland Bill Belichick had nothing but kind things to say about the Pro Bowler. “I mean, I will never forgive him or any of his descendants for quitting before his contract was up, but even I recognize that Tom won’t be young forever—substantially longer than anyone his age, but certainly not forever—and when destiny calls, you’d better go to meet it.”

Former teammate and recently DUI’d SS Lawyer Milloy told SSNN, “To me Brady really is a ‘what if’ story. He was always constantly exhausted from nailing babes at all hours of the day. All the physical exertion he put himself through with the ladies makes me wonder just what he would have been had he gone to bed at a normal hour instead of cruising around, picking out the hottest chick in a crowd and dragging her away to ferociously make love to her. It boggles the mind to think what he could have been.”

Matt Cassel could not be reached for comment as he was uncontrollably weeping in a corner. Meanwhile, Brady will be housed at Shady Valleys Stud Farm, just outside of Boston. He is currently accepting applicants who wish to mate with him.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!