St. Louis Cardinals bench Matt Leinart

ST. LOUIS, MO — St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa shocked the world today by announcing that he was proactively benching Matt Leinart in favor of and older, more experienced pitcher during the September playoff push.

“We feel that going forward with a proven veteran gives us a better chance at winning,” LaRussa said during a press conference from the Cardinals media room. “To say that we’ve lost confidence in Matt’s ability is an understatement. In fact to say that is to imply we ever had any confidence in him at all. I’d rather have Rick Ankiel pitch for us and he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn at ten paces.”

Matt Leinart, the former Heisman trophy winner and first round draft pick has drawn heat for several off-season controversies included racy pictures of him that surfaced on the internet. LaRussa confirmed that Leinart’s off-season actions did have some influence on the decision. “I’d be lying if I said those pictures didn’t affect my decision. Being photographed alone holding a beer bong for an attractive co-ed was bad enough, but to then have his picture taken by himself with four hot girls in bikinis in a hot tub?!? That was the final straw. No, I don’t mean the situation; I mean that he didn’t call his Cardinal teammates to join him! That is an egregious violation of the locker room code. You’d better believe when Al [Pujols] has a hot tub full of half-naked chicks he lets us all know.”

Leinart was in shock when the news of Coach LaRussa’s decision reached him in Phoenix, and was visibly shaken when notifed he was benched.

“This is twice in as many weeks that I’ve been told I wasn’t going to start. The worst is that I don’t even play for these Cardinals. I’m with Arizona, not St. Louis,” Leinart remarked. “I think.”

LaRussa responded by saying “Sure, he may not be a St. Louis Cardinal, but he is still a Cardinal of some sort. We just want to make sure there is no confusion about our plans. We don’t want the Cubs to get too cocky by thinking Matt Leinart will be starting for us. I guess it is really just a testament to how much Matt Leinart sucks. Are we clear?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!